I know that in some previous post I mentioned that I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm being selfish. Selfish of my time, emotions, etc., etc. But today, God made it apparent to me that there's more to my selfishness than that. For some reason, I was only applying my selfishness to the "romantic" area of my life (or lack thereof). But it is much, much bigger than that.
I am selfish of my time, emotions, energy, strength, comfort, care, and resources in all of my relationships. All of them. Even the ones that don't exist because I haven't taken the time to pursue them. Ouch.
Entering into relationships, I need to remove the me-goggles that I have put on and allow Christ to be my eyes. He does see things much more clearly than I do, after all. The me-goggles that I have had pressed tightly to my face are cloudy and, get this, have a shiny coating that simply reflects myself. I don't see the people around me. I don't see their needs or their heart-desires. I've been lost in the reflection of my own eyes, peering into my own wants, desires, and self-pity.
NO! I am choosing to tear these goggles off and throw them far from myself! The cool air and bright day may initially cause me to squint or tears to well. But it is good. The fresh air will soon be refreshing; the light revealing of beauty previously lost upon me.
I have been especially selfish of my time. For whatever reason, God has chosen to use me in relationships. I don't know how, when, or why, but He chooses to bless others through me. And I can't help but worship Him. He has put me in specific roles in the lives of others and it astonishes me how much he can do through this broken vessel.
But what have I been doing? Seeing relationships as mine. No. I need to change this. The relationships I am blessed to take part in are not for me. They are for Him. His glory. And I need to see each person just as He sees them. With love and compassion. With a heart to serve them in any way possible. With each relationship, I should be asking questions: How can I bless this person? God, what would you have me say to them? How can I show them your unending, heart-wrenching, glory-revealing love? And follow these questions closely with, Lord, use me.
Over the years, I have become a master of procrastination. A common phrase that has left my lips (even today), is this: If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute. What does this say of me and how I have been treating my Lord?
Of the many things of this life, I find myself valuing my time higher than many other things. Time is a gift. A precious commodity that He has entrusted me to use wisely and invest. And I simply bury it away, never to be recovered, as I waste time in idleness. I procrastinate on studying, projects, and papers by zipping around on the internet, poking around cable television, or even just sitting on the couch like a schlub. These things are effectively destroying His gift. A gift that is not only intended for me; but even more for the people I should be with. Not that the internet, television, or resting are wrong in and of themselves, but for me, in the setting of procrastination, they are.
If I didn't have those projects or papers, would I have been spending that time doing those things? Perhaps. But I absolutely wouldn't spend nearly as much time on them. I would be out and about with people. Being active and/or engaging my mind with my friends and family. Because I love people. I really do. But when I procrastinate, I am selfishly choosing to waste the future time in which I could have been a blessing to others.
I need to change. I will change. God, work this in me.
I will aspire to be the woman described in Psalm 31. Not for me. Not because I want to lure in a man. Because my Lord craves this identity for me. He has placed her within me and I have been shoving her to the side, occasionally letting glimpses show, but never a full view.
God, I want to be a blessing to every person I interact with on every level. Give me the perseverance to become strong and healthy. Fill my mouth with your words of wisdom, compassion, and kindness. And Lord, raise me up to defeat the monster of idleness that I have allowed into my life. Guide me as I learn the art of defending myself from the jaws that I have allowed to ensnare me. I am yours, God.
