I know that in some previous post I mentioned that I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm being selfish. Selfish of my time, emotions, etc., etc. But today, God made it apparent to me that there's more to my selfishness than that. For some reason, I was only applying my selfishness to the "romantic" area of my life (or lack thereof). But it is much, much bigger than that.
I am selfish of my time, emotions, energy, strength, comfort, care, and resources in all of my relationships. All of them. Even the ones that don't exist because I haven't taken the time to pursue them. Ouch.
Entering into relationships, I need to remove the me-goggles that I have put on and allow Christ to be my eyes. He does see things much more clearly than I do, after all. The me-goggles that I have had pressed tightly to my face are cloudy and, get this, have a shiny coating that simply reflects myself. I don't see the people around me. I don't see their needs or their heart-desires. I've been lost in the reflection of my own eyes, peering into my own wants, desires, and self-pity.
NO! I am choosing to tear these goggles off and throw them far from myself! The cool air and bright day may initially cause me to squint or tears to well. But it is good. The fresh air will soon be refreshing; the light revealing of beauty previously lost upon me.
I have been especially selfish of my time. For whatever reason, God has chosen to use me in relationships. I don't know how, when, or why, but He chooses to bless others through me. And I can't help but worship Him. He has put me in specific roles in the lives of others and it astonishes me how much he can do through this broken vessel.
But what have I been doing? Seeing relationships as mine. No. I need to change this. The relationships I am blessed to take part in are not for me. They are for Him. His glory. And I need to see each person just as He sees them. With love and compassion. With a heart to serve them in any way possible. With each relationship, I should be asking questions: How can I bless this person? God, what would you have me say to them? How can I show them your unending, heart-wrenching, glory-revealing love? And follow these questions closely with, Lord, use me.
Over the years, I have become a master of procrastination. A common phrase that has left my lips (even today), is this: If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute. What does this say of me and how I have been treating my Lord?
Of the many things of this life, I find myself valuing my time higher than many other things. Time is a gift. A precious commodity that He has entrusted me to use wisely and invest. And I simply bury it away, never to be recovered, as I waste time in idleness. I procrastinate on studying, projects, and papers by zipping around on the internet, poking around cable television, or even just sitting on the couch like a schlub. These things are effectively destroying His gift. A gift that is not only intended for me; but even more for the people I should be with. Not that the internet, television, or resting are wrong in and of themselves, but for me, in the setting of procrastination, they are.
If I didn't have those projects or papers, would I have been spending that time doing those things? Perhaps. But I absolutely wouldn't spend nearly as much time on them. I would be out and about with people. Being active and/or engaging my mind with my friends and family. Because I love people. I really do. But when I procrastinate, I am selfishly choosing to waste the future time in which I could have been a blessing to others.
I need to change. I will change. God, work this in me.
I will aspire to be the woman described in Psalm 31. Not for me. Not because I want to lure in a man. Because my Lord craves this identity for me. He has placed her within me and I have been shoving her to the side, occasionally letting glimpses show, but never a full view.
God, I want to be a blessing to every person I interact with on every level. Give me the perseverance to become strong and healthy. Fill my mouth with your words of wisdom, compassion, and kindness. And Lord, raise me up to defeat the monster of idleness that I have allowed into my life. Guide me as I learn the art of defending myself from the jaws that I have allowed to ensnare me. I am yours, God.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Phone Jots 2
Another edition of phone jots! Just when you totally and completely forgot about the first one...probably a year and a half ago.
Anyhow. I have a new phone since the last edition. Which means completely new jots!
Anyhow. I have a new phone since the last edition. Which means completely new jots!
- When God provides us with symbols or metaphors, they are dumbed down versions of difficult-to-grasp concepts. He calls us "the body of Christ." The human body is incredibly complex--so how much more complex is the body He has placed us in...
- Someday, when I have a family and I am raising children, I would like us to pray for one person at dinner. As a way to emphasize the importance of intercessory prayer and reinforce it in my kids.
- Regarding feelings: when we "feel" something it can be one of two types, heart feelings (because the Lord holds our hearts) and flesh feelings. And we use the same word to describe them because they feel so similar because Satan is a great deceiver! Let's be honest, he isn't referred to as "the mediocre deceiver," right?
Not as many as I thought, but I also didn't post some of the more random jots (like a flower I noticed I liked or an idea I had for a book--can't be posting that on the interwebs!)
Happy Halloween, all!
Monday, July 15, 2013
30 Before 30
The "30 Before 30" list. Yes, I have finally completed it. In the Fall, I had moved for a short-term period of time and wanted to get to know some girls at a local church while I was there. After all, having a community (even for just a short period of time) is worth all the effort if it means meeting great people and not being a lonely hermit. That being said, these girls (whom I love, miss, and hope to never forget) loved the 30 Before 30 List.
"30 Before 30...what's that?" Simply put (and as many of you have probably gathered), it is a list of 30 things to do before one turns 30 years of age. So what exactly is the concept behind this list? Well, like myself, the majority of these girls were of the single variety! And, some of them had heard of the list and decided to implement it into their lives. Why? To help them to live their lives for the sake of living by setting goals and not just live to find that "special someone." Obviously, I approve. And once I started spending time with these girls more, the list came up more and more frequently. Because they were living to pursue joy and not just a relationship.
So I started jotting down my list in my phone. And yes, that was the Fall (like, probably October-ish) and now it is mid-July. It took me a bit of time, but I'm okay with that. I wanted to take this process seriously and list things that I would seriously like to do. It was also kind of hard to find things that I hadn't done. Things like learning to ballroom dance. Or going rock climbing. Or eating a donkey burger (yes, I have done this). Which is good, because it means that I'm living life.
So, without further ado (but probably plenty of side comments), here is my 30 Before 30 List (in the order I thought of them, likely not the order I will complete them):
**Addendum** I'm crossing things off occasionally because I've done them...not because I've given up on them. Haha.
"30 Before 30...what's that?" Simply put (and as many of you have probably gathered), it is a list of 30 things to do before one turns 30 years of age. So what exactly is the concept behind this list? Well, like myself, the majority of these girls were of the single variety! And, some of them had heard of the list and decided to implement it into their lives. Why? To help them to live their lives for the sake of living by setting goals and not just live to find that "special someone." Obviously, I approve. And once I started spending time with these girls more, the list came up more and more frequently. Because they were living to pursue joy and not just a relationship.
So I started jotting down my list in my phone. And yes, that was the Fall (like, probably October-ish) and now it is mid-July. It took me a bit of time, but I'm okay with that. I wanted to take this process seriously and list things that I would seriously like to do. It was also kind of hard to find things that I hadn't done. Things like learning to ballroom dance. Or going rock climbing. Or eating a donkey burger (yes, I have done this). Which is good, because it means that I'm living life.
So, without further ado (but probably plenty of side comments), here is my 30 Before 30 List (in the order I thought of them, likely not the order I will complete them):
- Complete a 5k (I had originally written "run" but decided that might be unrealistic)
Discover a beer that I truly enjoy- Hike the South Sister (a mountain, for those who may not know)
- Catch a steelhead (a type of fish; earlier in the year I had caught my first salmon and a couple years ago I caught some sturgeon. I figured I should keep the fish-thing up)
Buy a new (to me) carGive someone I don't know well (or at all) a large sum of money as I am directed- Write Part 2 of my novelette (which I hope to make into a novel)
- Go on a medical mission trip
- Read (I know that it would be really easy to cross this off after say, a sentence, but my intention is for it to be open-ended. To continue reading up until 30 and beyond.)
- Ride a horse (believe it or not, I have not done this. Even growing up in a small cowboy/hick/redneck town)
- Host an awesome civil war party (the "civil war" is a HUGE rivalry game, in this case a football game, between my alma mater and our bitter enemies whose university is also located in my dear state)
Read a CS Lewis book (the catch: it can't be Narnia)- Go to zoo lights (around the holidays, the zoo puts up all sorts of Christmas lights and sells hot chocolate...or so I've been told because I've never been)
- Go to a professional basketball game (I know, it's somewhat insane that I haven't done this yet)
Go on a legitimate date (let's be honest; all the "dates" that I've been on--which hasn't been many--I have been tricked into going on. Because it was not made clear to me that I would be the only other person there. Not okay, guys. Seriously, grow a pair)- Sit on the beach and watch the sun rise over the ocean (which will require travel on my part!)
Get a puppy- Attend a comic-con
- Read the entire Harry Potter series
- Watch all of the Harry Potter movies
Learn the ins and outs of retirement and how to plan to get there (IRA? 401k? What? I'm clueless...but I should figure it all out)- Play BINGO at a BINGO hall
- Befriend a widow
- Have responsibilities at a church I consider my home (which has been difficult with my schooling...excuses, excuses, I know)
- Stay at a bed and breakfast
Send flowers to someone for no specific reason other than to love and encourage them- Buy a stranger's coffee behind me in line
- Read the Bible in its entirety (catch: not NLT or NIV. I've already done it with those, but it's been awhile. And honestly, it would probably be good to do this at least once a decade, right?)
- Find a charity I'm passionate about and embrace it for the long haul (this means committing to donate for years, if not decades, as well as volunteering)
Have my first kiss (this --> [click link] will NOT be me...though I will also not just go out on the night before my 30th birthday looking for some dude to kiss for the sake of this list. It's just a goal...)
**Addendum** I'm crossing things off occasionally because I've done them...not because I've given up on them. Haha.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Making a Comeback...
It has been quite some time since my last post! But I think I may make a comeback. Possibly. At least for one post, anyways!
A lot has been happening since I last posted. I'm only about a month away from graduating, which is the most exciting news as of late. After 21 years of being a student, I no longer get to wear that title. Or maybe I've been hiding behind it. Every once in a while, a ball of terror gurgles up within me just knowing that I will be stepping out of that stage of life. But for the most part, I'm incredibly excited. Not just to be done with school, but I'm excited to see who emerges. Who is this person that I have been training to be for these past decades?
And I won't be graduating empty-handed. I have managed to get a residency for my first year out of school. And I am incredibly excited for that as well. Nervous, of course. Mainly because I'm not entirely sure what I should be expecting from this experience. Learning - I know that I will be learning.
So what's a big part that comes with getting this residency? Another move of course! And I have reason to believe that this will be one of the most exciting moves I make so far. The city seems like a good size for me, I have a few friends there to help me settle in, and I can see myself putting down roots of some sort for at least a chunk of time. Depending on what happens in about a year from now when my residency ends and I either get a job somewhere else or get to stay with a change in my title.
An exciting time, folks! And who knows, I might be updating more often now that I won't be able to play with my parents' puppies in my free time!
A lot has been happening since I last posted. I'm only about a month away from graduating, which is the most exciting news as of late. After 21 years of being a student, I no longer get to wear that title. Or maybe I've been hiding behind it. Every once in a while, a ball of terror gurgles up within me just knowing that I will be stepping out of that stage of life. But for the most part, I'm incredibly excited. Not just to be done with school, but I'm excited to see who emerges. Who is this person that I have been training to be for these past decades?
And I won't be graduating empty-handed. I have managed to get a residency for my first year out of school. And I am incredibly excited for that as well. Nervous, of course. Mainly because I'm not entirely sure what I should be expecting from this experience. Learning - I know that I will be learning.
So what's a big part that comes with getting this residency? Another move of course! And I have reason to believe that this will be one of the most exciting moves I make so far. The city seems like a good size for me, I have a few friends there to help me settle in, and I can see myself putting down roots of some sort for at least a chunk of time. Depending on what happens in about a year from now when my residency ends and I either get a job somewhere else or get to stay with a change in my title.
An exciting time, folks! And who knows, I might be updating more often now that I won't be able to play with my parents' puppies in my free time!
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