Leaving

You know what stinks?  Saying goodbyes.  I'm going to be moving from this city that I started off hating when I got here.  And now I've somewhat warmed up to it to the point that I'm not pulling my hair out with feeling trapped by the big city.  I'm still not the biggest fan by any means.  And I'm not sad about leaving the city.

I'm sad about leaving people.  Always the case, right?  Well, I don't have a history of being an incredibly emotional person, but it has been developing over the past few years.  Sometimes things just hit me.  They never used to.  I used to be able to sit through an episode of the Biggest Loser and not shed a tear...no longer!  Well, maybe I just tend to watch shows like that during certain...emotional times of the month.  But regardless, I am getting more prone to having and expressing emotions.

Anyways, tonight was my last night at this small house church that I've been going to for the past three months.  Meets about every other week and then on the "off" weeks there is usually some sort of outreach.  And I didn't really expect to get especially close to anyone in the group; it was, after all, just three months.  And maybe on a surface level I didn't really.

But that doesn't stop me from loving them.

I have fallen in love with these people in this small group.  Even though I would only see them maybe once a week, I would get to hear from them and listen to their stories and my heart gets invested in them.  Praying for them.  Sharing in their hopes or troubles.

I think I am aware of the process occurring (let me reemphasize that I think I am...) but I definitely don't consider the true consequences of what it will mean to leave.  Even when I know I'm leaving.  Even when I know that this happened the last time and the time before that.

Maybe someday I won't have to leave anymore.  Although that will probably just mean that those around me will be doing the leaving.  I don't know which I would prefer.

Wow, I just reread what I have just written and started tearing up again.  Only probably the half dozenth time tonight.

It kind of reminds me of a time during my freshman year of college.  It was the first week living in the dorms and one of the guys living in my hall asked me what my passion was.  I remember his was scuba.  I couldn't think of any particular hobby that I would consider a passion and he wouldn't let me not answer the question, so I finally said people.  I was passionate about people.

And I guess it is completely true.  I love people, I want to help them, love them, be with them.  And I don't like saying goodbye to them.  So I usually don't actually say goodbye.  I just say, "see you later."  And I trust that I will.  Maybe sooner, maybe much later, and maybe not even during this lifetime.  But I try not to say goodbye because I trust and pray that I really will see them later.