The Grandma-Train

So, I'm not entirely sure if I've mentioned too much about my background so far.  You all know I'm single and currently in grad school, but that's about it, right?  (Unless you know me personally of course...)  Well, there's a little bit more to me than that...and I want to share a piece of that with you.  Mainly because it's funny, and partly because it ties back to the theme of my blog: being single.

I absolutely LOVE my family (and I'm fairly certain that I've already mentioned this once before).  I'm the oldest of four kids and the age gap between me and my youngest sister is just five years and three months.  Yeah, my parents had four kids within a 63 month period.  Sounds crazy, right?  And they're still going strong after close to 27 years of marriage and as much crap as four kids could throw at them.

My mom must have really enjoyed it because, well, she's going a bit baby-crazy.  She is ready to be a grandma.  We recently had lunch with a family that had a little baby girl and watching my mom interact with her made this crystal clear.  That and the fact that she has pinned about 16 "diaper cakes" onto Pinterest.  She is on the grandma-train!  Which, honestly, is great!  I can't wait to have my mom be the grandmother of my kids and spoil them with cookies and whatever else grandmas do.  The problem?  I'm definitely not even close to having kids.  And neither are any of my siblings.

One of my sisters is closer than the rest of us simply because she's married.  But she and her husband aren't planning on starting a family until after he finishes school...which will be in about three years.  My mom has made it clear that she would welcome an "oopsie" baby with open arms.

I guess I'm glad because I don't have any of that baby-pressure on me.  The only pressure I'm feeling is from my biological clock ticking down the seconds and minutes to the moment my uterus decides to shrivel up like an old, nasty raisin.  But I think I probably have a few years before that happens ;-)

But someday, when I'm no longer single and no longer inundated with school and projects and studying, I want to be a mom.  Someday.  There are lots of things that will be happening before then though, so I guess we'll just see what God throws my way.  Either way, should be a fun adventure.

Makes me wonder which of my siblings will make my mom a grandma first...  Maybe I should take bets.  ;-)

Unmapped Territory

I feel like I'm in a bit of a very strange place right now in life.  But with that, a very exciting place with God.

I guess I should explain a little.  I'm at a strange place in life because I will be graduating in just over a year (21 years of school should be plenty, right?) and I have no clue what I will be doing at that time.  No clue where I will get a job or what type of job I might even try for.  No clue where I will be living or if I'll even know anyone there.  And it's strange for me because all my life I've basically known what was coming next on my plate.  What comes after elementary school?  Middle school.  Then high school.  Then college.  What comes after my bachelor's degree?  My professional degree.  But what comes after that?  Real life.

Which really isn't the strangest part.  I'm totally excited for having a real job and not having to do the school-thing anymore.  I think what is strange is that I will finally be able to separate my life from my occupation.  As a student, I haven't been able to really do that.  I always have homework or projects or studying weighing on the back of my mind.  But with a job, I'll be able to go to work, work hard, then come home and leave my occupational tasks at work.  This is completely foreign to me!

Another thing that adds to the strangeness of it all is that with graduation on the horizon, marriage is suddenly something that seems much more...imminent?  Likely?  Reasonable.  Now obviously I would need a boyfriend before that process even came close to being set in motion, but the timeline is definitely not unreasonable.  I've always expected to not get married until after I finished my education.  Well...June 2013 is just around the corner.  And it is within a timeline which allows for meeting people and making life-changing decisions.  I'm not saying that it's going to happen, but just the fact that the possibility is not absurd to me is...strange.

So how exactly does all of this tie into being in an exciting place with God?  Because it's different for me.  Don't get me wrong, God has sent me plenty of lessons in learning to trust Him.  But there's always been somewhat of an overriding, crudely drawn map of hints for me to glance at.  I didn't have the details and I knew the map could always be crumpled up for a new one, but now I'm getting to unmapped territory.  And not only that, I get to wear a blindfold for this chunk of the journey.

At church on Sunday, the two big points that we were encouraged to walk away with were:

1. To remember who you are:  a slave of Jesus Christ
2. To remember who is leading you:  Jesus Christ, through open doors and through closed doors

And as the closing worship songs were being played, I just started thinking about this new journey that is coming up.  I started to ask God about what I'm going to do when I graduate and before I even finished the thought, He stopped me.  I will lead you.  And I immediately went into the next thought of asking about relationship stuff, and again He stopped me.  I will lead you.  And as my mind started forming the next "what about" question, I stopped myself.  I trust you, God.  And I smiled.

That's when I realized that this next portion of the journey isn't supposed to make me nervous or anxious.  I'm supposed to be excited.  Excited for the new twists and turns that I get to take with God.  Excited for lessons that He's going to teach me through the hard times that bring me closer to Him.  Excited for learning to trust Him in a completely new and fascinating way.  Excited because change provides space to grow.  How boring would life be if I could predict the whole thing?  The best surprise parties stay secret until just the right moment.  And I have a feeling that God is a pretty amazing party-planner...

Starry Night

I am absolutely LOVING this song by Chris August. I have no clue how new/old it is or even if people know who this guy is. But this song really just brings me back to a good perspective on life.

Here are the lyrics.  I tried to pick a favorite part, but seriously, the whole song basically makes me want to cry.

From the Birds that Sing, In the Tallest Trees.
To the Human Life, of you and me.
From the Desert Sands, to the place we stand.
He is God of All, He is Everything.

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause He is everything
'Cause He is everything

From the Autumn Leaves, that will ride the breeze
To the Faith it takes, to pray and sing
From the Painted sky, to my plank filled eye
He is God of all, He is everything

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause He is everything.

Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
I believe
Ohhh
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
I believe

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun
On that Starry Night, He changed my life.
I'm giving it all to the only Son who gave me hope when I had none.
So let the praises ring,
Ohhhh Let the Praises Ring

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the Angels sing, that He is Heavenly

So let the Praises ring
'Cause He is everything

Easter

Have you ever truly thought about Easter? It's one thing to know the facts: Jesus came to earth (which we celebrate at Christmas), He lived a perfect life, was killed (brutally), and rose from the dead. But have you ever really thought through the details and ultimately the reason he did it?

Honestly, it's not something I think about too often. Yes, I know the facts and I think about those fairly regularly. But I sometimes avoid the deeper thinking. I try not to let my heart get too involved in my thoughts of Jesus. Because I know that if I do, I'll start crying.

Not crying because He went through so much brutality and torture and then death; crying because of why He chose to go through it. It's because of me. And you.

There are so many different directions I could go with this post, because there are so many different pieces of His life, His sovereignty, His power, His grace, His mercy, etc. etc. etc. that tie into His decision to go through all that He did for us.

But ultimately, it all loops back and points to His love for us.

It would be one thing for some random guy to go through something like that for one other person. Okay, we might think they were crazy, but it could be something we could rationalize away, like, "Oh, he must have really loved her." But if this were the case, this random guy wouldn't have rose from the dead, and ultimately, the person he sacrificed himself for would die eventually too.

But Jesus wasn't some random guy. He was (and still is) God. And He didn't just die for one person, He died for all people. Then He rose from the dead. Why? Because it was the only way that we could avoid what we deserve: eternity in Hell, separated from God. Jesus took on our sins (which are the reason we deserve to be separated from God) and became the ultimate atonement, so we don't have to be separated from Him. Why? Because He wants to be with us. He wants us to choose to spend time (on earth as well as eternity) with Him. And yes, we have a choice (which also ties back to His love for us).

All of this is incredibly overwhelming and I'm not even close to hitting on all of the details. Let's break this down a bit:

1. Jesus was and still is God.
2. He died for all people.
3. He rose from the dead.
4. He did this so we can escape Hell and eternal separation from Him.
5. He took on our sins and thus acquitted us of our guilt.
6. He wants to be with us and spend time with us.
7. He wants us to choose Him.

Really let yourself think about any of these things, and you can see why I get so emotionally overwhelmed. And thinking about each of these things leads to more details of God's love and goodness.

Some little blog post could never even come close to showing the extravagance of God's love. It's too big for us to consolidate (and why would we want to?). So maybe take some time to really think about one of the many aspects of Jesus and see what He shows you. He does want to spend time with us, after all. Why not right now?

Email Excerpts

First, I want to apologize for not posting for quite some time. When I have breaks from school (like spring break), I tend to blog less because I don't have tasks to procrastinate on! Funny how that works...

So, a while back (apparently when I was 22), I tried online dating. And I learned a lot from the experience. One of the main lessons: online dating is best suited for those individuals who are ready to meet someone and settle down within the next 6-12 months. Let's be honest here, the internet speeds things up, including your romantic life! That is, if you find someone that way ;) All in all, I don't think it's going to be a door that I will be opening again until I'm done with school, settled into a career-ish job, and feel that I've exhausted the "options" of whatever city I settle in.

But anyways, while I was doing the online dating thing, I wrote a lot of emails. Here are some excerpts from a few of them:

"[One] viewpoint that I have that's somewhat different than most women is how [I would like to be] viewed as a wife. It may sound weird, but I'm going to try to explain it decently...lol. I guess I want to be somewhat of a "reward" for my future husband. Like others look at him and know that he is blessed because of the person that I am. I want to be a blessing to him in every aspect of our relationship and I want to be successful/intelligent/etc. so that he is seen as a better man. I don't know, I guess the analogy I'm going for is this: just as the Church (the bride) is to glorify Jesus (the bridegroom) through actions/obedience/etc., I want to glorify my future husband...but obviously on a smaller scale. I hope this is making sense. And by doing this, it would also glorify God and He can use me to help reach others through my husband. Like, for instance, showing His grace and mercy through his testimony by rewarding my husband despite some of the choices he [may have] made in the past."

"I guess another viewpoint I have on marriage is that it should be somewhat modeled after the original marriage God intended with Adam and Eve. God made the man and gave him a job (naming the animals) but He saw that Adam needed a helper, so He made Eve. The wife is to be the husband's helper. Not on a less than equal sense, but rather, the man can't do it by himself (or he can, but it just wouldn't be as good/beneficial without the woman). So, wives should offer to help their husbands and husbands are to ask for help from their wives. I always think it's kind of annoying when guys think they can always do things by themselves, whether it's a pride thing or just them showing off, usually the job can be easier/less painful/etc. if he seeks help. Like with moving furniture. Women are a lot less fragile than most men seem to think. Half the time, I can do random hard labor/lifting better than some of the guys I know, which I think is hilarious! Silly city boys...(and, omg, I can kill spiders all by my lonesome! lol)"

"I would love to just become best friends with a guy (whoever God intends) and then just naturally transition into a dating relationship and then marriage. I want us to just like spending time together and then realize that it's something we can do for the rest of our lives, knowing that God can use us better together rather than single. Just really natural and not forced. That might be somewhat idealistic of me, but I'm okay with waiting for a relationship like that (I've waited 22 years, right? lol). And if it never happens I guess that's fine too. God knows me better than I do. A quote that I heard once that I really liked is this: "Don't worry about finding that 'special someone.' God knows a lot of people." I think it's really funny, but entirely true. He does know a lot of people!! All of them! I think that would make Him the ultimate matchmaker! lol."

Just some basic thoughts I had about relationships a couple years ago that still pretty much hold true (although, if I were to rewrite them, I might try to be a bit more eloquent).