Ending a Stubborn Streak

This morning I went to a church that I have been hearing about for years.  I first started hearing about this church when I began college, which was back in 2006.  And I have been avoiding this church in particular ever since I heard about it.  Why?  Well, it's huge.  And for some reason, I've always felt like that was a good enough reason not to try it.

My thought process has always gone somewhat like this:

I'm not a big-city/crowds kind of person.  I love small, intimate settings where I can really get to know the people around me.  I grew up in a church where everyone knew everyone else.  That's what I want (right?).  Everyone is always talking about how awesome this big church is, but how can it be, really?  I would get so lost there.  Sure, the sermons are probably great, but knowing that you may never see the same people from a previous service freaks me out.  And there's also been lots of mention of how going to this particular church can provide ample opportunity to meet people, especially singles.  But I do not intend to attend a church simply to find a spouse (this is where my heels dig in).  I refuse to try a church just because it's the popular choice!

 But it's probably popular for a reason, right?

Well, this particular stubborn streak ended this morning.  Why did it end?  Because I was invited to spend some time with a group of people (only one of whom I knew) and they all talked so freely about the sermons in a life-applicable manner.  Not in a way that says, "look, I listened at church on Sunday."  But in a way that says, "this is so applicable to my life that I'm already able to apply it directly." And also because I was still getting lost in the smaller churches I tried (somewhat intentionally, I'll admit).  So I went, by myself.

And honestly, it was a good experience overall.  I liked the sermon.  The people were nice.  The worship didn't feel like I was attending a concert (which I hate).  Parking was probably my biggest issue with the place (but it's also one of my biggest issues with living in a city with a population of anything greater than 10K people).

What surprised me is that God made it clear to me the real reason I have been avoiding big churches.

Because He gifted me with an ability to lead.  And somehow He puts me in leadership positions whenever I start putting time and commitment into something.  And the reason I have been avoiding big churches is because I am well aware of this truth.

Smaller churches are far less scary to get involved in.  And the impact it feels like I will have in them seems far less intimidating.  (I realize that the impact I have on others, regardless of my placement, is something I will never fully know, but my brain just won't override my feelings on this one.)

So basically, I'm a chicken.  A lazy chicken.  I'm scared to go to a church because I know I'll get involved, I will put my emotions and energy into it, and I will have the potential to fail a lot (!!!) of people.  Being a failure on a smaller scale (which has happened) sucked, so wouldn't it suck that much more on a large scale?

And yes, I know that God uses my failures as well as my successes (and He has different definitions than I do).  But I don't know, I think there's just something about the magnitude that is getting to me.  Something I'll have to be ruminating on...