Ending a Stubborn Streak

This morning I went to a church that I have been hearing about for years.  I first started hearing about this church when I began college, which was back in 2006.  And I have been avoiding this church in particular ever since I heard about it.  Why?  Well, it's huge.  And for some reason, I've always felt like that was a good enough reason not to try it.

My thought process has always gone somewhat like this:

I'm not a big-city/crowds kind of person.  I love small, intimate settings where I can really get to know the people around me.  I grew up in a church where everyone knew everyone else.  That's what I want (right?).  Everyone is always talking about how awesome this big church is, but how can it be, really?  I would get so lost there.  Sure, the sermons are probably great, but knowing that you may never see the same people from a previous service freaks me out.  And there's also been lots of mention of how going to this particular church can provide ample opportunity to meet people, especially singles.  But I do not intend to attend a church simply to find a spouse (this is where my heels dig in).  I refuse to try a church just because it's the popular choice!

 But it's probably popular for a reason, right?

Well, this particular stubborn streak ended this morning.  Why did it end?  Because I was invited to spend some time with a group of people (only one of whom I knew) and they all talked so freely about the sermons in a life-applicable manner.  Not in a way that says, "look, I listened at church on Sunday."  But in a way that says, "this is so applicable to my life that I'm already able to apply it directly." And also because I was still getting lost in the smaller churches I tried (somewhat intentionally, I'll admit).  So I went, by myself.

And honestly, it was a good experience overall.  I liked the sermon.  The people were nice.  The worship didn't feel like I was attending a concert (which I hate).  Parking was probably my biggest issue with the place (but it's also one of my biggest issues with living in a city with a population of anything greater than 10K people).

What surprised me is that God made it clear to me the real reason I have been avoiding big churches.

Because He gifted me with an ability to lead.  And somehow He puts me in leadership positions whenever I start putting time and commitment into something.  And the reason I have been avoiding big churches is because I am well aware of this truth.

Smaller churches are far less scary to get involved in.  And the impact it feels like I will have in them seems far less intimidating.  (I realize that the impact I have on others, regardless of my placement, is something I will never fully know, but my brain just won't override my feelings on this one.)

So basically, I'm a chicken.  A lazy chicken.  I'm scared to go to a church because I know I'll get involved, I will put my emotions and energy into it, and I will have the potential to fail a lot (!!!) of people.  Being a failure on a smaller scale (which has happened) sucked, so wouldn't it suck that much more on a large scale?

And yes, I know that God uses my failures as well as my successes (and He has different definitions than I do).  But I don't know, I think there's just something about the magnitude that is getting to me.  Something I'll have to be ruminating on...

Changing it up a bit...

That's right folks, I'm changing it up.  Honestly, the changes are hardly noticeable, but they will give me a different perspective as I post things.  Initially, I started this blog with the intention of anonymity.  With a pen name of Grace.  Well, now I'm just no longer anonymous.  My name is Hannah...which just happens to mean "grace."  (Hmmmm...wonder where I got my pen name?)

Anyways, as it turns out, I don't have a very large readership (and doubt that I will) so my identity (or lack of one) isn't too big of a deal.  And the few people who do actually read my blog...probably know me.  And my writing style (which I have been told mimics my speech).  And besides, if my blog ever does develop a readership of any sizable amount, what difference does my name make?

So there you have it!  I'm still somewhat of a "nobody" to those of you who do not know me and to those of you that do...well, hi :)

Oh, and just so this post isn't completely boring, my President's Day adventure:  on the light rail train this afternoon two homeless men boarded (one in a wheelchair).  They were speaking Spanish to each other for a little bit and then started blowing kisses to me.  As I was getting off the train, I considered telling them "buenas tardes" but chickened out and just told them to have a good afternoon.  Apparently, they were plenty happy with that.  Happy President's Day!

Valentine's Day

I feel that a post concerning the holiday is appropriate considering the nature of the subject of my blog.  But quite honestly, I don't really know what to write about as far as Valentine's Day is concerned.  Today is just another day for me.  I actually have a test on Thursday, so I made sure to have a cleared schedule for the afternoon just to dedicate to studying.  Other that that, it's another day and I'm plugging away and smiling at strangers going to and from school.  The people I encountered today seemed much happier in general today...returning smiles and some even saying "good morning."  It was quite pleasant :)

In the past, Valentine's Day did kind of get me down some.  The whole Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.) thing is true.  When you're single and it's something you're already painfully aware of, a day that seems to be devoted to couples kinda wears on you.  But not this year.  I'm not sad at all this year really.  All day today I've been really happy...and I didn't even get my full eight hours of sleep last night!

I think one thing that I am enjoying about today is just knowing that there are so many couples out there who are so happy to be together and celebrate their love and they get an excuse to have an extra special day.  And I'm genuinely excited for them :)  And then on the other hand are all my single friends who may or may not be feeling a little down today.  But the holiday gives me an excuse to encourage them and remind them that on this day of romance and desire, they should be celebrating God, who loves them and desires them more than anybody else ever could!  Sometimes all it takes is just a tiny reminder to completely turn someone's day around.

Maybe I brightened someone's day and maybe I didn't.  But either way, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the day and study, study, study! ;)

Adorable Video

One of my friends posted this video on facebook recently and I find it incredibly adorable!  This is the kind of love story I find myself hoping I encounter as I ride my bus to school every morning (speaking of which, there was a very cute guy on the bus this morning wearing slacks and a tie. And yes, I smiled at him.  And no, we never spoke.  Boo).

Another plus of this video:  the protagonist is so attractive!  I'm definitely a fan :)  I hope you liked this video as much as I did!

Thought-Cloud

So you know how sometimes you meet really awesome guys?  But at that time, there's no "connection" made for some reason or another?  But it's not a big deal; you both move on with your lives.  Maybe grow apart or move someplace different or get a job.  But then at some point later in life, could be weeks or months or years (for me it tends to be years...), you start thinking about what "could have been."

I do that a lot when I'm supposed to be doing work/studying for grad school.  Oh silly me and my methods of distraction!

I actually do stay in contact with these guys somewhat.  Honestly, I'm not very good at keeping in touch with anyone, regardless of gender.  But I do try to send my friends an encouraging text every once in awhile.  And that's what I occasionally do for my guy-friends.  Usually in generic mass-text format.  Sometimes individually for whatever reason.

But anyways, there have been a couple guys that my mind keeps getting distracted with.  Just wondering what they're up to or hoping they're doing well (okay, okay, I hope ALL my friends are doing well!).  But I also think about the what-ifs.  What if I hadn't have been so stand-offish?  What if they had asked me out back then?  What if, what if, what if...

I do have reasonable answers to a lot of these and when I really process what I'm thinking about, I absolutely have no regrets about my just-friendships with them.  What I guess I find most troubling about these what-ifs is that despite the fact that I am happy with the decisions I made, these thoughts just float around on the surface of my mind.  As soon as I focus on them, I see the flaws in their construction.  They're just a periphery thought-cloud blanketing the rest of my logical thoughts.

An example of a thought-cloud moment in my brain:

[Various thoughts and interpretations of random notes I've taken throughout class]  "I wonder how so-and-so is doing."  [More thoughts about how my upcoming test is going to be very difficult considering I didn't start studying until later than my classmates]  "I wish I had a boyfriend."  [Frantically trying to memorize some random list of grad school-y type things]  "We would have made a really great couple.  We'd probably still be dating right now." [Even more grad school junk]

 I think you get the picture...

I want to reconstruct my thought-cloud.  Honestly, it doesn't need to be about boys (my mom told me I need to stop saying "boys" and start calling them "men" now that I'm 24.  I don't know how I feel about this whole being-adult thing).  These thoughts that just pop up on the surface don't have to be like this.  These are just the thoughts I've managed to program into myself over the years of being single.  It happens.

I want my thought-cloud blanket to be made up of more thoughts along these lines:

[I think you understand the basics of what goes into the brackets...school stuff]  "God, thank you for giving me this opportunity to be here." [Since you get it, there's going to be less detail in the bracket-y region of this here dealio]  "God, I want all of this to be for you; not me." [More brackets for the sake of brackets]  "God, I'm excited to be living the life you've blessed me with."  [You didn't think they would have ended yet, right?]  "God, I want to do this work for you, because by learning it now, you will use it later."  [Last brackets...for now]

 So yeah.  I think that's what I'll be working on for quite awhile.  It's probably going to take some time.  One thing that I've learned is that bad habits are easy to make and hard to break.  And good habits...don't really exist.  If it's good and takes repetition, it's not going to be easy.  But it will certainly be worthwhile.