Traffic Thought

You know, today I was driving home from one of my many grad school commitments/requirements and there was an accident on the highway I normally take.  It closed all the lanes, so I had to take an alternate route home, which normally wouldn't be a problem.  Except that I just moved here.  I had a general idea of where to go and where I was, but traffic was terrible so even though I was able to get home relatively unscathed, it was an hour-long 10 mile trip through unknown "terrain."

Overall, it was fairly uneventful.  Time to think about what to have for dinner, since it was being forced back by at least an hour.  But one of the thoughts I had at one of the many red lights I sat at was this:  being lost in this big city would be so much more fun if I had a guy sitting in the passenger seat.  It just popped into my head.  What's funny is that regardless of my relationship status, this particular commitment is one that doesn't facilitate the presence of a significant other.  It would actually be frowned upon had I brought one.

Anyways, I think that thought kind of gets to the heart of one of the reasons I eventually want to be in a relationship.  I want to go on adventures with the man I love.  Even stupid, silly adventures, like getting lost trying to get home.  I want to spontaneously end up somewhere I wouldn't think to go or just drive around and look at the lights of an unknown city.  But doing that by yourself is lame and boring.  (Not joking, that's essentially what I did tonight.)

I get that I'm in a time where I'm basically just waiting.  I mean, I'm in grad school, I'm moving locations because of it.  It would be stressful to be in a relationship.  It would be selfish of me to be in a relationship.  At least, right now it would be...for me.  Lots of my classmates are in relationships and it's really not too big of a deal for them (obviously, they have the problems of any relationship...I'm just not saying that I would consider them selfish for being in those relationships).  I guess I just feel like it would be selfish for me to be in a relationship right now because I wouldn't be able to dedicate as much of myself to the relationship as I would like.  Right now school has and needs my attention.

Another reason I think it would be selfish of me is because of how I view relationships.  They're not supposed to be give-and-take, but rather give-and-receive.  Both parties involved should focus solely on giving of their time, love, etc.  And these should be received by the other just as one would receive a gift.  Not taking, like a burglar or bratty kid.  If I were in a relationship I would feel like the bratty kid.  I want to be able to freely give of my time, my love, my emotions.  While I'm in school I'm limited.  It's a barrier.  And I would feel like I was taking, even if my boyfriend completely understood my dilemma.

Someday though.  Someday I won't be held captive by this gremlin named Grad School.  I'm not saying that I'm going to get a boyfriend as soon as I'm done.  And I'm not saying it would be unthinkable to not have one during school (just unlikely).  All I know is that at this moment, God has me in a time of waiting.  And I'm glad.  But I'm also looking forward to the future He has planned for me.  I don't know at exactly what point in time a man will enter the picture, but He knows.  And I am so glad that He is working on setting me up on a blind date; I don't have to worry about anything.  I couldn't imagine trusting my love life to someone I didn't trust completely.