I know I have been neglecting my blog posts. Oops. Something about the end of the school year with the wrapping up projects, studying for finals, and moving took a handful of my time. But what happened once school was out? Well, my connection to the virtual world drops to nearly zilch when I'm home.
And now I've started my fourth and final year of grad school, which is a year of paying tuition to get work experience. (Sometimes I like to call it fake-work). I've been getting up at 4-something in the morning because I have an hour commute and I have to be there at 6am. Hopefully understandable as to why I'm pooped. But this will change soon enough. And I will get some swing and night shifts (sounds like a healthy sleep cycle, right?). But I've heard that my next rotation is 4-10s and starts at a reasonable time. It will also only be a 1/2 hour commute too. So maybe I'll be a tad bit better rested? We will see I suppose.
Anyways, other than the waking before the sun bit, I'm really enjoying my rotation. It is so refreshing to be back in my hometown region and out of the city. Everyone is so nice! And no one attempts to be ultra intimidating. (I'm guessing the city-folk do so because they are insecure so they overcompensate). But yes. It has been three days and I'm loving it.
But for now, it's past my bedtime. Really. It's not even 9pm and I still won't be getting a full night's sleep :( Lame. Maybe I'll catch up a little this weekend ;)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Leaving
You know what stinks? Saying goodbyes. I'm going to be moving from this city that I started off hating when I got here. And now I've somewhat warmed up to it to the point that I'm not pulling my hair out with feeling trapped by the big city. I'm still not the biggest fan by any means. And I'm not sad about leaving the city.
I'm sad about leaving people. Always the case, right? Well, I don't have a history of being an incredibly emotional person, but it has been developing over the past few years. Sometimes things just hit me. They never used to. I used to be able to sit through an episode of the Biggest Loser and not shed a tear...no longer! Well, maybe I just tend to watch shows like that during certain...emotional times of the month. But regardless, I am getting more prone to having and expressing emotions.
Anyways, tonight was my last night at this small house church that I've been going to for the past three months. Meets about every other week and then on the "off" weeks there is usually some sort of outreach. And I didn't really expect to get especially close to anyone in the group; it was, after all, just three months. And maybe on a surface level I didn't really.
But that doesn't stop me from loving them.
I have fallen in love with these people in this small group. Even though I would only see them maybe once a week, I would get to hear from them and listen to their stories and my heart gets invested in them. Praying for them. Sharing in their hopes or troubles.
I think I am aware of the process occurring (let me reemphasize that I think I am...) but I definitely don't consider the true consequences of what it will mean to leave. Even when I know I'm leaving. Even when I know that this happened the last time and the time before that.
Maybe someday I won't have to leave anymore. Although that will probably just mean that those around me will be doing the leaving. I don't know which I would prefer.
Wow, I just reread what I have just written and started tearing up again. Only probably the half dozenth time tonight.
It kind of reminds me of a time during my freshman year of college. It was the first week living in the dorms and one of the guys living in my hall asked me what my passion was. I remember his was scuba. I couldn't think of any particular hobby that I would consider a passion and he wouldn't let me not answer the question, so I finally said people. I was passionate about people.
And I guess it is completely true. I love people, I want to help them, love them, be with them. And I don't like saying goodbye to them. So I usually don't actually say goodbye. I just say, "see you later." And I trust that I will. Maybe sooner, maybe much later, and maybe not even during this lifetime. But I try not to say goodbye because I trust and pray that I really will see them later.
I'm sad about leaving people. Always the case, right? Well, I don't have a history of being an incredibly emotional person, but it has been developing over the past few years. Sometimes things just hit me. They never used to. I used to be able to sit through an episode of the Biggest Loser and not shed a tear...no longer! Well, maybe I just tend to watch shows like that during certain...emotional times of the month. But regardless, I am getting more prone to having and expressing emotions.
Anyways, tonight was my last night at this small house church that I've been going to for the past three months. Meets about every other week and then on the "off" weeks there is usually some sort of outreach. And I didn't really expect to get especially close to anyone in the group; it was, after all, just three months. And maybe on a surface level I didn't really.
But that doesn't stop me from loving them.
I have fallen in love with these people in this small group. Even though I would only see them maybe once a week, I would get to hear from them and listen to their stories and my heart gets invested in them. Praying for them. Sharing in their hopes or troubles.
I think I am aware of the process occurring (let me reemphasize that I think I am...) but I definitely don't consider the true consequences of what it will mean to leave. Even when I know I'm leaving. Even when I know that this happened the last time and the time before that.
Maybe someday I won't have to leave anymore. Although that will probably just mean that those around me will be doing the leaving. I don't know which I would prefer.
Wow, I just reread what I have just written and started tearing up again. Only probably the half dozenth time tonight.
It kind of reminds me of a time during my freshman year of college. It was the first week living in the dorms and one of the guys living in my hall asked me what my passion was. I remember his was scuba. I couldn't think of any particular hobby that I would consider a passion and he wouldn't let me not answer the question, so I finally said people. I was passionate about people.
And I guess it is completely true. I love people, I want to help them, love them, be with them. And I don't like saying goodbye to them. So I usually don't actually say goodbye. I just say, "see you later." And I trust that I will. Maybe sooner, maybe much later, and maybe not even during this lifetime. But I try not to say goodbye because I trust and pray that I really will see them later.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Listening to His Voice
How do I listen to the Lord?
Today I went to an event put on by my church for women. The speaker read to us the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-44. It was a story I've heard before, but some things stood out to me this time (the first couple pointed out by the speaker):
Why can't I just absorb His promises and take rest in knowing that He will bring them to fruition? Somehow I always manage to do this for about thirty seconds and then my mind starts playing out the various scenarios in which the promise may be fulfilled. Or taking it a step further, and by doing so, changing what I was supposed to hear from the Lord into something I think would be best. Or what about when He instructs me in how to proceed in some situation and I manage to attach a "reward" of sorts to it? He says, "do X." And I adjust it in my mind to "do X, and Y will happen." Or other times I put His words into a time frame.
My thinking is so limited and shortsighted. No wonder I get confused and frustrated.
A verse that I keep coming back to lately is Proverbs 13:12. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I feel like I keep putting my hope into my interpretations of what God tells me instead of in God Himself. So when things don't happen as I hope they might, time after time, it really does make my heart sick. I need to put my hope in God and trust that His word is true and good and He will fulfill His promises.
God, help me to change my patterns of misinterpreting your truth.
Today I went to an event put on by my church for women. The speaker read to us the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-44. It was a story I've heard before, but some things stood out to me this time (the first couple pointed out by the speaker):
- Mary and Martha sent a prayer to Jesus asking him to come to them
- Instead of going to them right away, Jesus sent them a promise
- Mary and Martha interpreted the promise in a way that made sense to them
- When Jesus fulfilled his promise, it was radically different from what Mary and Martha expected even though they knew that Jesus was Messiah
Why can't I just absorb His promises and take rest in knowing that He will bring them to fruition? Somehow I always manage to do this for about thirty seconds and then my mind starts playing out the various scenarios in which the promise may be fulfilled. Or taking it a step further, and by doing so, changing what I was supposed to hear from the Lord into something I think would be best. Or what about when He instructs me in how to proceed in some situation and I manage to attach a "reward" of sorts to it? He says, "do X." And I adjust it in my mind to "do X, and Y will happen." Or other times I put His words into a time frame.
My thinking is so limited and shortsighted. No wonder I get confused and frustrated.
A verse that I keep coming back to lately is Proverbs 13:12. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I feel like I keep putting my hope into my interpretations of what God tells me instead of in God Himself. So when things don't happen as I hope they might, time after time, it really does make my heart sick. I need to put my hope in God and trust that His word is true and good and He will fulfill His promises.
God, help me to change my patterns of misinterpreting your truth.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Phone jots
Sometimes randomly, God will reveal some little truth to me throughout the day. And I don't want to forget these snippets of truth, so I jot them down in my phone's memopad. I actually have quite a few different memos started that I just add to whenever the need arises.
One of the memos is titled "Reality" and these are the thoughts that are currently jotted down in it:
One of the memos is titled "Reality" and these are the thoughts that are currently jotted down in it:
At this point in time, I want to be in a relationship for selfish reasons. And until I change that, not only is it not going to work out, it really shouldn't happen at all.Maybe at some other time I will post some of the other memos that I have jotted down...
-10/08/11
-Still true 11/22/11
Marriage doesn't produce happiness, it produces holiness. My sins will be revealed to me as well as my husband. I'm certainly not ready for that now. When will I be?
-12/24/11
Right now I do not want to be in a relationship. Not until I start changing some things about myself that I want to change: increase physical fitness, a servant's heart, less laziness, less TV, etc.
-03/04/12
I still want to change things about myself and I have goals. But I just realized that I will always be having things to work on because I just saw a note I wrote titled, "Goals for the 08/09 school year." I'm supposed to be changing and growing in the ways the Lord shows me.
-04/11/12
When I start to learn about the dreams of the man I'm going to marry, I will not just support them so I don't crush them. I will support them because I will be able to dream them with him and they will become my dreams if they aren't already.
-05/06/12
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Grandma-Train
So, I'm not entirely sure if I've mentioned too much about my background so far. You all know I'm single and currently in grad school, but that's about it, right? (Unless you know me personally of course...) Well, there's a little bit more to me than that...and I want to share a piece of that with you. Mainly because it's funny, and partly because it ties back to the theme of my blog: being single.
I absolutely LOVE my family (and I'm fairly certain that I've already mentioned this once before). I'm the oldest of four kids and the age gap between me and my youngest sister is just five years and three months. Yeah, my parents had four kids within a 63 month period. Sounds crazy, right? And they're still going strong after close to 27 years of marriage and as much crap as four kids could throw at them.
My mom must have really enjoyed it because, well, she's going a bit baby-crazy. She is ready to be a grandma. We recently had lunch with a family that had a little baby girl and watching my mom interact with her made this crystal clear. That and the fact that she has pinned about 16 "diaper cakes" onto Pinterest. She is on the grandma-train! Which, honestly, is great! I can't wait to have my mom be the grandmother of my kids and spoil them with cookies and whatever else grandmas do. The problem? I'm definitely not even close to having kids. And neither are any of my siblings.
One of my sisters is closer than the rest of us simply because she's married. But she and her husband aren't planning on starting a family until after he finishes school...which will be in about three years. My mom has made it clear that she would welcome an "oopsie" baby with open arms.
I guess I'm glad because I don't have any of that baby-pressure on me. The only pressure I'm feeling is from my biological clock ticking down the seconds and minutes to the moment my uterus decides to shrivel up like an old, nasty raisin. But I think I probably have a few years before that happens ;-)
But someday, when I'm no longer single and no longer inundated with school and projects and studying, I want to be a mom. Someday. There are lots of things that will be happening before then though, so I guess we'll just see what God throws my way. Either way, should be a fun adventure.
Makes me wonder which of my siblings will make my mom a grandma first... Maybe I should take bets. ;-)
I absolutely LOVE my family (and I'm fairly certain that I've already mentioned this once before). I'm the oldest of four kids and the age gap between me and my youngest sister is just five years and three months. Yeah, my parents had four kids within a 63 month period. Sounds crazy, right? And they're still going strong after close to 27 years of marriage and as much crap as four kids could throw at them.
My mom must have really enjoyed it because, well, she's going a bit baby-crazy. She is ready to be a grandma. We recently had lunch with a family that had a little baby girl and watching my mom interact with her made this crystal clear. That and the fact that she has pinned about 16 "diaper cakes" onto Pinterest. She is on the grandma-train! Which, honestly, is great! I can't wait to have my mom be the grandmother of my kids and spoil them with cookies and whatever else grandmas do. The problem? I'm definitely not even close to having kids. And neither are any of my siblings.
One of my sisters is closer than the rest of us simply because she's married. But she and her husband aren't planning on starting a family until after he finishes school...which will be in about three years. My mom has made it clear that she would welcome an "oopsie" baby with open arms.
I guess I'm glad because I don't have any of that baby-pressure on me. The only pressure I'm feeling is from my biological clock ticking down the seconds and minutes to the moment my uterus decides to shrivel up like an old, nasty raisin. But I think I probably have a few years before that happens ;-)
But someday, when I'm no longer single and no longer inundated with school and projects and studying, I want to be a mom. Someday. There are lots of things that will be happening before then though, so I guess we'll just see what God throws my way. Either way, should be a fun adventure.
Makes me wonder which of my siblings will make my mom a grandma first... Maybe I should take bets. ;-)
Friday, April 27, 2012
Unmapped Territory
I feel like I'm in a bit of a very strange place right now in life. But with that, a very exciting place with God.
I guess I should explain a little. I'm at a strange place in life because I will be graduating in just over a year (21 years of school should be plenty, right?) and I have no clue what I will be doing at that time. No clue where I will get a job or what type of job I might even try for. No clue where I will be living or if I'll even know anyone there. And it's strange for me because all my life I've basically known what was coming next on my plate. What comes after elementary school? Middle school. Then high school. Then college. What comes after my bachelor's degree? My professional degree. But what comes after that? Real life.
Which really isn't the strangest part. I'm totally excited for having a real job and not having to do the school-thing anymore. I think what is strange is that I will finally be able to separate my life from my occupation. As a student, I haven't been able to really do that. I always have homework or projects or studying weighing on the back of my mind. But with a job, I'll be able to go to work, work hard, then come home and leave my occupational tasks at work. This is completely foreign to me!
Another thing that adds to the strangeness of it all is that with graduation on the horizon, marriage is suddenly something that seems much more...imminent? Likely? Reasonable. Now obviously I would need a boyfriend before that process even came close to being set in motion, but the timeline is definitely not unreasonable. I've always expected to not get married until after I finished my education. Well...June 2013 is just around the corner. And it is within a timeline which allows for meeting people and making life-changing decisions. I'm not saying that it's going to happen, but just the fact that the possibility is not absurd to me is...strange.
So how exactly does all of this tie into being in an exciting place with God? Because it's different for me. Don't get me wrong, God has sent me plenty of lessons in learning to trust Him. But there's always been somewhat of an overriding, crudely drawn map of hints for me to glance at. I didn't have the details and I knew the map could always be crumpled up for a new one, but now I'm getting to unmapped territory. And not only that, I get to wear a blindfold for this chunk of the journey.
At church on Sunday, the two big points that we were encouraged to walk away with were:
That's when I realized that this next portion of the journey isn't supposed to make me nervous or anxious. I'm supposed to be excited. Excited for the new twists and turns that I get to take with God. Excited for lessons that He's going to teach me through the hard times that bring me closer to Him. Excited for learning to trust Him in a completely new and fascinating way. Excited because change provides space to grow. How boring would life be if I could predict the whole thing? The best surprise parties stay secret until just the right moment. And I have a feeling that God is a pretty amazing party-planner...
I guess I should explain a little. I'm at a strange place in life because I will be graduating in just over a year (21 years of school should be plenty, right?) and I have no clue what I will be doing at that time. No clue where I will get a job or what type of job I might even try for. No clue where I will be living or if I'll even know anyone there. And it's strange for me because all my life I've basically known what was coming next on my plate. What comes after elementary school? Middle school. Then high school. Then college. What comes after my bachelor's degree? My professional degree. But what comes after that? Real life.
Which really isn't the strangest part. I'm totally excited for having a real job and not having to do the school-thing anymore. I think what is strange is that I will finally be able to separate my life from my occupation. As a student, I haven't been able to really do that. I always have homework or projects or studying weighing on the back of my mind. But with a job, I'll be able to go to work, work hard, then come home and leave my occupational tasks at work. This is completely foreign to me!
Another thing that adds to the strangeness of it all is that with graduation on the horizon, marriage is suddenly something that seems much more...
So how exactly does all of this tie into being in an exciting place with God? Because it's different for me. Don't get me wrong, God has sent me plenty of lessons in learning to trust Him. But there's always been somewhat of an overriding, crudely drawn map of hints for me to glance at. I didn't have the details and I knew the map could always be crumpled up for a new one, but now I'm getting to unmapped territory. And not only that, I get to wear a blindfold for this chunk of the journey.
At church on Sunday, the two big points that we were encouraged to walk away with were:
- To remember who you are: a slave of Jesus Christ
- To remember who is leading you: Jesus Christ, through open doors and through closed doors
That's when I realized that this next portion of the journey isn't supposed to make me nervous or anxious. I'm supposed to be excited. Excited for the new twists and turns that I get to take with God. Excited for lessons that He's going to teach me through the hard times that bring me closer to Him. Excited for learning to trust Him in a completely new and fascinating way. Excited because change provides space to grow. How boring would life be if I could predict the whole thing? The best surprise parties stay secret until just the right moment. And I have a feeling that God is a pretty amazing party-planner...
Friday, April 13, 2012
Starry Night
I am absolutely LOVING this song by Chris August. I have no clue how new/old it is or even if people know who this guy is. But this song really just brings me back to a good perspective on life.
Here are the lyrics. I tried to pick a favorite part, but seriously, the whole song basically makes me want to cry.
Here are the lyrics. I tried to pick a favorite part, but seriously, the whole song basically makes me want to cry.
From the Birds that Sing, In the Tallest Trees.
To the Human Life, of you and me.
From the Desert Sands, to the place we stand.
He is God of All, He is Everything.
I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause He is everything
'Cause He is everything
From the Autumn Leaves, that will ride the breeze
To the Faith it takes, to pray and sing
From the Painted sky, to my plank filled eye
He is God of all, He is everything
I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause He is everything.
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
I believe
Ohhh
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
I believe
I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun
On that Starry Night, He changed my life.
I'm giving it all to the only Son who gave me hope when I had none.
So let the praises ring,
Ohhhh Let the Praises Ring
I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the Angels sing, that He is Heavenly
So let the Praises ring
'Cause He is everything
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter
Have you ever truly thought about Easter? It's one thing to know the facts: Jesus came to earth (which we celebrate at Christmas), He lived a perfect life, was killed (brutally), and rose from the dead. But have you ever really thought through the details and ultimately the reason he did it?
Honestly, it's not something I think about too often. Yes, I know the facts and I think about those fairly regularly. But I sometimes avoid the deeper thinking. I try not to let my heart get too involved in my thoughts of Jesus. Because I know that if I do, I'll start crying.
Not crying because He went through so much brutality and torture and then death; crying because of why He chose to go through it. It's because of me. And you.
There are so many different directions I could go with this post, because there are so many different pieces of His life, His sovereignty, His power, His grace, His mercy, etc. etc. etc. that tie into His decision to go through all that He did for us.
But ultimately, it all loops back and points to His love for us.
It would be one thing for some random guy to go through something like that for one other person. Okay, we might think they were crazy, but it could be something we could rationalize away, like, "Oh, he must have really loved her." But if this were the case, this random guy wouldn't have rose from the dead, and ultimately, the person he sacrificed himself for would die eventually too.
But Jesus wasn't some random guy. He was (and still is) God. And He didn't just die for one person, He died for all people. Then He rose from the dead. Why? Because it was the only way that we could avoid what we deserve: eternity in Hell, separated from God. Jesus took on our sins (which are the reason we deserve to be separated from God) and became the ultimate atonement, so we don't have to be separated from Him. Why? Because He wants to be with us. He wants us to choose to spend time (on earth as well as eternity) with Him. And yes, we have a choice (which also ties back to His love for us).
All of this is incredibly overwhelming and I'm not even close to hitting on all of the details. Let's break this down a bit:
Really let yourself think about any of these things, and you can see why I get so emotionally overwhelmed. And thinking about each of these things leads to more details of God's love and goodness.
Some little blog post could never even come close to showing the extravagance of God's love. It's too big for us to consolidate (and why would we want to?). So maybe take some time to really think about one of the many aspects of Jesus and see what He shows you. He does want to spend time with us, after all. Why not right now?
Honestly, it's not something I think about too often. Yes, I know the facts and I think about those fairly regularly. But I sometimes avoid the deeper thinking. I try not to let my heart get too involved in my thoughts of Jesus. Because I know that if I do, I'll start crying.
Not crying because He went through so much brutality and torture and then death; crying because of why He chose to go through it. It's because of me. And you.
There are so many different directions I could go with this post, because there are so many different pieces of His life, His sovereignty, His power, His grace, His mercy, etc. etc. etc. that tie into His decision to go through all that He did for us.
But ultimately, it all loops back and points to His love for us.
It would be one thing for some random guy to go through something like that for one other person. Okay, we might think they were crazy, but it could be something we could rationalize away, like, "Oh, he must have really loved her." But if this were the case, this random guy wouldn't have rose from the dead, and ultimately, the person he sacrificed himself for would die eventually too.
But Jesus wasn't some random guy. He was (and still is) God. And He didn't just die for one person, He died for all people. Then He rose from the dead. Why? Because it was the only way that we could avoid what we deserve: eternity in Hell, separated from God. Jesus took on our sins (which are the reason we deserve to be separated from God) and became the ultimate atonement, so we don't have to be separated from Him. Why? Because He wants to be with us. He wants us to choose to spend time (on earth as well as eternity) with Him. And yes, we have a choice (which also ties back to His love for us).
All of this is incredibly overwhelming and I'm not even close to hitting on all of the details. Let's break this down a bit:
1. Jesus was and still is God.
2. He died for all people.
3. He rose from the dead.
4. He did this so we can escape Hell and eternal separation from Him.
5. He took on our sins and thus acquitted us of our guilt.
6. He wants to be with us and spend time with us.
7. He wants us to choose Him.
Really let yourself think about any of these things, and you can see why I get so emotionally overwhelmed. And thinking about each of these things leads to more details of God's love and goodness.
Some little blog post could never even come close to showing the extravagance of God's love. It's too big for us to consolidate (and why would we want to?). So maybe take some time to really think about one of the many aspects of Jesus and see what He shows you. He does want to spend time with us, after all. Why not right now?
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Email Excerpts
First, I want to apologize for not posting for quite some time. When I have breaks from school (like spring break), I tend to blog less because I don't have tasks to procrastinate on! Funny how that works...
So, a while back (apparently when I was 22), I tried online dating. And I learned a lot from the experience. One of the main lessons: online dating is best suited for those individuals who are ready to meet someone and settle down within the next 6-12 months. Let's be honest here, the internet speeds things up, including your romantic life! That is, if you find someone that way ;) All in all, I don't think it's going to be a door that I will be opening again until I'm done with school, settled into a career-ish job, and feel that I've exhausted the "options" of whatever city I settle in.
But anyways, while I was doing the online dating thing, I wrote a lot of emails. Here are some excerpts from a few of them:
Just some basic thoughts I had about relationships a couple years ago that still pretty much hold true (although, if I were to rewrite them, I might try to be a bit more eloquent).
So, a while back (apparently when I was 22), I tried online dating. And I learned a lot from the experience. One of the main lessons: online dating is best suited for those individuals who are ready to meet someone and settle down within the next 6-12 months. Let's be honest here, the internet speeds things up, including your romantic life! That is, if you find someone that way ;) All in all, I don't think it's going to be a door that I will be opening again until I'm done with school, settled into a career-ish job, and feel that I've exhausted the "options" of whatever city I settle in.
But anyways, while I was doing the online dating thing, I wrote a lot of emails. Here are some excerpts from a few of them:
"[One] viewpoint that I have that's somewhat different than most women is how [I would like to be] viewed as a wife. It may sound weird, but I'm going to try to explain it decently...lol. I guess I want to be somewhat of a "reward" for my future husband. Like others look at him and know that he is blessed because of the person that I am. I want to be a blessing to him in every aspect of our relationship and I want to be successful/intelligent/etc. so that he is seen as a better man. I don't know, I guess the analogy I'm going for is this: just as the Church (the bride) is to glorify Jesus (the bridegroom) through actions/obedience/etc., I want to glorify my future husband...but obviously on a smaller scale. I hope this is making sense. And by doing this, it would also glorify God and He can use me to help reach others through my husband. Like, for instance, showing His grace and mercy through his testimony by rewarding my husband despite some of the choices he [may have] made in the past."
"I guess another viewpoint I have on marriage is that it should be somewhat modeled after the original marriage God intended with Adam and Eve. God made the man and gave him a job (naming the animals) but He saw that Adam needed a helper, so He made Eve. The wife is to be the husband's helper. Not on a less than equal sense, but rather, the man can't do it by himself (or he can, but it just wouldn't be as good/beneficial without the woman). So, wives should offer to help their husbands and husbands are to ask for help from their wives. I always think it's kind of annoying when guys think they can always do things by themselves, whether it's a pride thing or just them showing off, usually the job can be easier/less painful/etc. if he seeks help. Like with moving furniture. Women are a lot less fragile than most men seem to think. Half the time, I can do random hard labor/lifting better than some of the guys I know, which I think is hilarious! Silly city boys...(and, omg, I can kill spiders all by my lonesome! lol)"
"I would love to just become best friends with a guy (whoever God intends) and then just naturally transition into a dating relationship and then marriage. I want us to just like spending time together and then realize that it's something we can do for the rest of our lives, knowing that God can use us better together rather than single. Just really natural and not forced. That might be somewhat idealistic of me, but I'm okay with waiting for a relationship like that (I've waited 22 years, right? lol). And if it never happens I guess that's fine too. God knows me better than I do. A quote that I heard once that I really liked is this: "Don't worry about finding that 'special someone.' God knows a lot of people." I think it's really funny, but entirely true. He does know a lot of people!! All of them! I think that would make Him the ultimate matchmaker! lol."
Just some basic thoughts I had about relationships a couple years ago that still pretty much hold true (although, if I were to rewrite them, I might try to be a bit more eloquent).
Monday, March 12, 2012
A Mystery*
Last week, along with my church, I was fasting and praying. This is just one of the things the Lord pointed out to me during that time.
God created men and women in His image. He made us to be a reflection of Himself. One way that He did that is how He created men and women to “fit” together. Separately, a man and a woman are each still whole pieces, but there’s a desire for the other. A longing for a deep, meaningful relationship that’s more intimate and lasting than any other. This is the relationship Christ desires to have with us. He wants us. Desires us. Can’t stop thinking about the relationship He wants to have with each and every one of us because He loves us. Loves.
As the church, we “fit” into Him. Without us, He’s not “incomplete,” but He misses us. His desire is for us to desire Him. In a similar manner that men and women desire to have a deep, devoted, lost-in-each-other relationship.
But what I find to be the greatest mystery isn’t in the similarities of the analogy, but in one of the major differences. In the relationship of a man and women, both are imperfect, mistake-making disasters, undeserving of a perfect true love. With Christ and the church, we are the vastly imperfect, mistake-making disasters being pursued by THE Perfect True Love of all time. We are completely undeserving of the Love that He gives us. He loves us as He loves His father, who He is a part of. How can we not at least attempt to show Him the respect and love that He truly deserves?
*This is a blog post from my old blog, originally written January 21, 2011.
“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”How exactly are men and women “one”? We are all taught that 1+1=2, not 1+1=1. This is just one of the reasons this concept is somewhat of a “mystery” to us. But what I love about it is that it really is an illustration of the love that Christ has for us. He chose to leave His father in heaven to become “one” with us, the church. How or why would the Lord of the universe want to do this?! Because He loves us tremendously!
-Ephesians 5:31-33 NLT
God created men and women in His image. He made us to be a reflection of Himself. One way that He did that is how He created men and women to “fit” together. Separately, a man and a woman are each still whole pieces, but there’s a desire for the other. A longing for a deep, meaningful relationship that’s more intimate and lasting than any other. This is the relationship Christ desires to have with us. He wants us. Desires us. Can’t stop thinking about the relationship He wants to have with each and every one of us because He loves us. Loves.
As the church, we “fit” into Him. Without us, He’s not “incomplete,” but He misses us. His desire is for us to desire Him. In a similar manner that men and women desire to have a deep, devoted, lost-in-each-other relationship.
But what I find to be the greatest mystery isn’t in the similarities of the analogy, but in one of the major differences. In the relationship of a man and women, both are imperfect, mistake-making disasters, undeserving of a perfect true love. With Christ and the church, we are the vastly imperfect, mistake-making disasters being pursued by THE Perfect True Love of all time. We are completely undeserving of the Love that He gives us. He loves us as He loves His father, who He is a part of. How can we not at least attempt to show Him the respect and love that He truly deserves?
*This is a blog post from my old blog, originally written January 21, 2011.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Fear--How "Myself" Can I Be?
Alright, I'm going to start something new. Kind of like a "fear series" of sorts. Things that scare me or make me nervous about being in a relationship. Some of them might be kind of stupid, others deeper. I guess we'll just see how this turns out ;)
So I guess the fear that I'm going to kick this off with is this: how much of "myself" can I be?
This is a weird question, I know, but let me explain a bit. For me, it's easy to be honest and myself with God. He created me, He has given me the personality that I have, He knows me far better than I know myself. And He's God. He will always love me. No matter what stupid things I do or say. Make a dumb joke or trip walking up stairs. Whether I sing in the shower or vacuum not as frequently as I would like to. Any of the weird quirks I have, it doesn't matter, because He will always love me. (Which is, quite honestly, astonishing and I am so thankful for this truth.)
But what about a person? A person who is just as flawed as I am? Who can walk away at any moment? Someone who can choose to stop loving me whenever they realize just how weird I am? How can I put that much trust in someone if they may back out once they see the truth?
Let's be honest, relationships are not all fun and games. There are hard times and sometimes they take work. And not only that, but once you marry someone, your sins are not only your problem to work through...they're a problem for both of you to work through. That freaks me out. I like my problems to stay my problems, and just me and God can work them out. Because I know that He will stick by me and love me and He really wants me to figure out my junk so I can be even closer to Him.
I think one of the funny things about this fear is that once I'm with the man God has for me, I know that I'll be able to love him and stick by him through all of his quirks and flaws. Why do I know this? Because marriage is a commitment and I will keep that commitment. Because I know that God has given me wisdom in being "picky" when it comes to who I will date, let alone marry. The man that God is working on setting me up with is going to love Jesus immensely.
And this is where I need to get comfort. God is the one setting up this lifelong friendship that I will be living. He sees my quirks, faults, and flaws and He's working on a guy to complement them and even them out. And He's doing the same thing for my husband with me. And this man will love Jesus and carry the convictions that I myself seek to have.
And the fact that he is a godly man will be evidence enough to know that he will choose to love me through the quirks. Through the sins that we will both have to face and turn over to God. Through the challenges that a lifetime together will throw at us. This could actually turn out to be quite fun.
So I guess the fear that I'm going to kick this off with is this: how much of "myself" can I be?
This is a weird question, I know, but let me explain a bit. For me, it's easy to be honest and myself with God. He created me, He has given me the personality that I have, He knows me far better than I know myself. And He's God. He will always love me. No matter what stupid things I do or say. Make a dumb joke or trip walking up stairs. Whether I sing in the shower or vacuum not as frequently as I would like to. Any of the weird quirks I have, it doesn't matter, because He will always love me. (Which is, quite honestly, astonishing and I am so thankful for this truth.)
But what about a person? A person who is just as flawed as I am? Who can walk away at any moment? Someone who can choose to stop loving me whenever they realize just how weird I am? How can I put that much trust in someone if they may back out once they see the truth?
Let's be honest, relationships are not all fun and games. There are hard times and sometimes they take work. And not only that, but once you marry someone, your sins are not only your problem to work through...they're a problem for both of you to work through. That freaks me out. I like my problems to stay my problems, and just me and God can work them out. Because I know that He will stick by me and love me and He really wants me to figure out my junk so I can be even closer to Him.
I think one of the funny things about this fear is that once I'm with the man God has for me, I know that I'll be able to love him and stick by him through all of his quirks and flaws. Why do I know this? Because marriage is a commitment and I will keep that commitment. Because I know that God has given me wisdom in being "picky" when it comes to who I will date, let alone marry. The man that God is working on setting me up with is going to love Jesus immensely.
And this is where I need to get comfort. God is the one setting up this lifelong friendship that I will be living. He sees my quirks, faults, and flaws and He's working on a guy to complement them and even them out. And He's doing the same thing for my husband with me. And this man will love Jesus and carry the convictions that I myself seek to have.
And the fact that he is a godly man will be evidence enough to know that he will choose to love me through the quirks. Through the sins that we will both have to face and turn over to God. Through the challenges that a lifetime together will throw at us. This could actually turn out to be quite fun.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Growing from Small to Great
So, this weekend I was able to escape grad school for a bit and see my family for a mini-vacation. I don't think I've mentioned them much so far in this blog, but just for the record, I absolutely LOVE my family. I have truly been blessed and I am so grateful for each and every one of them :)
Anyways, so I was talking to my dad about the previous day, when I had gone to my job and my boss had me do some fairly menial tasks. For some reason, my boss had been having an off day and he was a bit grumpier than usual. And for some reason, I felt the need to detail all of this to my dad.
Shortly after this, my sister mentioned a quote that she had seen and it really stuck with me. So much so that I felt I needed to blog about it and find a picture with the quote ;)
Right after I had just got done complaining about my boss. Ouch.
This is an area that I definitely need to improve. Somewhere over the years, I have become a small person. I don't think I used to talk about others nearly as much as I feel I do now.
So I talked to God about it and came up with another goal: don't talk about other people unless it is in truth and love. The truth part isn't really the hard part for me (but it helps to also prevent gossip). For me the hard part will be the love part. I'm going to need to ask myself lots of questions when I speak: Does this lift the person I'm talking about up? Is it encouraging? Is it helpful for the person I'm talking to to hear this? Would I say this in front of the person I'm talking about? Would I be embarrassed if they knew I was saying this about them?
This also ties in to a previous lesson I've been learning about considering others better than myself (see my previous post, Eye-Candy).
It's interesting because the career path that I'm on, I chose because I want to help people. How can I help them if I don't respect and love them first? Why would they even want my help if I don't show that I care for them?
Anyways, so I was talking to my dad about the previous day, when I had gone to my job and my boss had me do some fairly menial tasks. For some reason, my boss had been having an off day and he was a bit grumpier than usual. And for some reason, I felt the need to detail all of this to my dad.
Shortly after this, my sister mentioned a quote that she had seen and it really stuck with me. So much so that I felt I needed to blog about it and find a picture with the quote ;)
Right after I had just got done complaining about my boss. Ouch.
This is an area that I definitely need to improve. Somewhere over the years, I have become a small person. I don't think I used to talk about others nearly as much as I feel I do now.
So I talked to God about it and came up with another goal: don't talk about other people unless it is in truth and love. The truth part isn't really the hard part for me (but it helps to also prevent gossip). For me the hard part will be the love part. I'm going to need to ask myself lots of questions when I speak: Does this lift the person I'm talking about up? Is it encouraging? Is it helpful for the person I'm talking to to hear this? Would I say this in front of the person I'm talking about? Would I be embarrassed if they knew I was saying this about them?
This also ties in to a previous lesson I've been learning about considering others better than myself (see my previous post, Eye-Candy).
It's interesting because the career path that I'm on, I chose because I want to help people. How can I help them if I don't respect and love them first? Why would they even want my help if I don't show that I care for them?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
His Standards*
8 Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
9 Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need.
10 Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.
-Psalm 34:8-10
God is so so good to those who trust in Him. But not just "good" by our standards. He is good by His standards.
It can be so easy to forget about this. We are so easily deceived into believing that our own wants and desires are what is "best" for us. But where is our heart in our desires? "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
When we focus our hearts on Christ, He becomes our desire. Pleasing our Master should come before pleasing ourselves. And pleasing our Master is what should bring us ultimate joy. What an honor that Christ loves me and desires me to carry out even the smallest bit of His plan!
When He becomes our delight, our hearts line up with His, and His desires become our own. I take comfort in knowing that He never changes. I am the one who is constantly changing, waxing and waning; meanwhile, He remains. And if the things I desire are constantly changing, how can fulfillment ever be achieved? When my desires become His unchanging desires. He is so good.
We must take refuge in Him! Trust Him in all things. In doing so, He will give us all we need. Every good thing, by His standards. Placing our trust in Him brings us into His family. "God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." Ephesians 1:5
He wants to give us, His children, good things! In Matthew 7:9-11, Jesus displays this clearly: "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
So what is it that keeps us from fully pursuing Jesus, knowing that in doing so, He will provide us with all our needs, our desires? What is it that triggers my waxing and waning, constantly changing?
For me, it seems to be my perception of time. I so enjoy doing things and being with people! Filling my schedule to the brim! In doing this, I'm constantly aware of time. Or at least, my earthly perception of it. But Christ is continually bringing me back to remembering that my perception of time is limited. He has an eternal perspective. Concerning Christ's return, in 2 Peter 3:8, we are reminded: "But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day." God has a different perspective than I do. When I rest in this truth, it brings me such comfort! And yet, I can still forget. I need to be patient and wait for His timing.
God you are so good. Thank you. I'm choosing to rest in you, Lord. Please remind me when I forget.
*This is a blog post from my old blog, originally written February 20, 2011.
Consolidating my Life
Okay, so I am really warming up to this particular blog site and like it much better than the site I was formerly using. So I'm going to start using this one exclusively, even for topics that aren't directly related to the fact that I'm single. Being single allows God to teach me a lot of things about myself and not all of them have to do with my relationship status :)
On that note, this is just a short post informing you, my friends, that I will be working on consolidating blog posts from my old blog onto this one. Because as my personality dictates, I like everything to be organized and found in the same place :) And for the sake of clarity and organization, I will be denoting that they are former blog posts with an asterisk in the title and a footnote.
On that note, this is just a short post informing you, my friends, that I will be working on consolidating blog posts from my old blog onto this one. Because as my personality dictates, I like everything to be organized and found in the same place :) And for the sake of clarity and organization, I will be denoting that they are former blog posts with an asterisk in the title and a footnote.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Ending a Stubborn Streak
This morning I went to a church that I have been hearing about for years. I first started hearing about this church when I began college, which was back in 2006. And I have been avoiding this church in particular ever since I heard about it. Why? Well, it's huge. And for some reason, I've always felt like that was a good enough reason not to try it.
My thought process has always gone somewhat like this:
Well, this particular stubborn streak ended this morning. Why did it end? Because I was invited to spend some time with a group of people (only one of whom I knew) and they all talked so freely about the sermons in a life-applicable manner. Not in a way that says, "look, I listened at church on Sunday." But in a way that says, "this is so applicable to my life that I'm already able to apply it directly." And also because I was still getting lost in the smaller churches I tried (somewhat intentionally, I'll admit). So I went, by myself.
And honestly, it was a good experience overall. I liked the sermon. The people were nice. The worship didn't feel like I was attending a concert (which I hate). Parking was probably my biggest issue with the place (but it's also one of my biggest issues with living in a city with a population of anything greater than 10K people).
What surprised me is that God made it clear to me the real reason I have been avoiding big churches.
Because He gifted me with an ability to lead. And somehow He puts me in leadership positions whenever I start putting time and commitment into something. And the reason I have been avoiding big churches is because I am well aware of this truth.
Smaller churches are far less scary to get involved in. And the impact it feels like I will have in them seems far less intimidating. (I realize that the impact I have on others, regardless of my placement, is something I will never fully know, but my brain just won't override my feelings on this one.)
So basically, I'm a chicken. A lazy chicken. I'm scared to go to a church because I know I'll get involved, I will put my emotions and energy into it, and I will have the potential to fail a lot (!!!) of people. Being a failure on a smaller scale (which has happened) sucked, so wouldn't it suck that much more on a large scale?
And yes, I know that God uses my failures as well as my successes (and He has different definitions than I do). But I don't know, I think there's just something about the magnitude that is getting to me. Something I'll have to be ruminating on...
My thought process has always gone somewhat like this:
I'm not a big-city/crowds kind of person. I love small, intimate settings where I can really get to know the people around me. I grew up in a church where everyone knew everyone else. That's what I want (right?). Everyone is always talking about how awesome this big church is, but how can it be, really? I would get so lost there. Sure, the sermons are probably great, but knowing that you may never see the same people from a previous service freaks me out. And there's also been lots of mention of how going to this particular church can provide ample opportunity to meet people, especially singles. But I do not intend to attend a church simply to find a spouse (this is where my heels dig in). I refuse to try a church just because it's the popular choice!But it's probably popular for a reason, right?
Well, this particular stubborn streak ended this morning. Why did it end? Because I was invited to spend some time with a group of people (only one of whom I knew) and they all talked so freely about the sermons in a life-applicable manner. Not in a way that says, "look, I listened at church on Sunday." But in a way that says, "this is so applicable to my life that I'm already able to apply it directly." And also because I was still getting lost in the smaller churches I tried (somewhat intentionally, I'll admit). So I went, by myself.
And honestly, it was a good experience overall. I liked the sermon. The people were nice. The worship didn't feel like I was attending a concert (which I hate). Parking was probably my biggest issue with the place (but it's also one of my biggest issues with living in a city with a population of anything greater than 10K people).
What surprised me is that God made it clear to me the real reason I have been avoiding big churches.
Because He gifted me with an ability to lead. And somehow He puts me in leadership positions whenever I start putting time and commitment into something. And the reason I have been avoiding big churches is because I am well aware of this truth.
Smaller churches are far less scary to get involved in. And the impact it feels like I will have in them seems far less intimidating. (I realize that the impact I have on others, regardless of my placement, is something I will never fully know, but my brain just won't override my feelings on this one.)
So basically, I'm a chicken. A lazy chicken. I'm scared to go to a church because I know I'll get involved, I will put my emotions and energy into it, and I will have the potential to fail a lot (!!!) of people. Being a failure on a smaller scale (which has happened) sucked, so wouldn't it suck that much more on a large scale?
And yes, I know that God uses my failures as well as my successes (and He has different definitions than I do). But I don't know, I think there's just something about the magnitude that is getting to me. Something I'll have to be ruminating on...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Changing it up a bit...
That's right folks, I'm changing it up. Honestly, the changes are hardly noticeable, but they will give me a different perspective as I post things. Initially, I started this blog with the intention of anonymity. With a pen name of Grace. Well, now I'm just no longer anonymous. My name is Hannah...which just happens to mean "grace." (Hmmmm...wonder where I got my pen name?)
Anyways, as it turns out, I don't have a very large readership (and doubt that I will) so my identity (or lack of one) isn't too big of a deal. And the few people who do actually read my blog...probably know me. And my writing style (which I have been told mimics my speech). And besides, if my blog ever does develop a readership of any sizable amount, what difference does my name make?
So there you have it! I'm still somewhat of a "nobody" to those of you who do not know me and to those of you that do...well, hi :)
Oh, and just so this post isn't completely boring, my President's Day adventure: on the light rail train this afternoon two homeless men boarded (one in a wheelchair). They were speaking Spanish to each other for a little bit and then started blowing kisses to me. As I was getting off the train, I considered telling them "buenas tardes" but chickened out and just told them to have a good afternoon. Apparently, they were plenty happy with that. Happy President's Day!
Anyways, as it turns out, I don't have a very large readership (and doubt that I will) so my identity (or lack of one) isn't too big of a deal. And the few people who do actually read my blog...probably know me. And my writing style (which I have been told mimics my speech). And besides, if my blog ever does develop a readership of any sizable amount, what difference does my name make?
So there you have it! I'm still somewhat of a "nobody" to those of you who do not know me and to those of you that do...well, hi :)
Oh, and just so this post isn't completely boring, my President's Day adventure: on the light rail train this afternoon two homeless men boarded (one in a wheelchair). They were speaking Spanish to each other for a little bit and then started blowing kisses to me. As I was getting off the train, I considered telling them "buenas tardes" but chickened out and just told them to have a good afternoon. Apparently, they were plenty happy with that. Happy President's Day!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day
I feel that a post concerning the holiday is appropriate considering the nature of the subject of my blog. But quite honestly, I don't really know what to write about as far as Valentine's Day is concerned. Today is just another day for me. I actually have a test on Thursday, so I made sure to have a cleared schedule for the afternoon just to dedicate to studying. Other that that, it's another day and I'm plugging away and smiling at strangers going to and from school. The people I encountered today seemed much happier in general today...returning smiles and some even saying "good morning." It was quite pleasant :)
In the past, Valentine's Day did kind of get me down some. The whole Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.) thing is true. When you're single and it's something you're already painfully aware of, a day that seems to be devoted to couples kinda wears on you. But not this year. I'm not sad at all this year really. All day today I've been really happy...and I didn't even get my full eight hours of sleep last night!
I think one thing that I am enjoying about today is just knowing that there are so many couples out there who are so happy to be together and celebrate their love and they get an excuse to have an extra special day. And I'm genuinely excited for them :) And then on the other hand are all my single friends who may or may not be feeling a little down today. But the holiday gives me an excuse to encourage them and remind them that on this day of romance and desire, they should be celebrating God, who loves them and desires them more than anybody else ever could! Sometimes all it takes is just a tiny reminder to completely turn someone's day around.
Maybe I brightened someone's day and maybe I didn't. But either way, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the day and study, study, study! ;)
In the past, Valentine's Day did kind of get me down some. The whole Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.) thing is true. When you're single and it's something you're already painfully aware of, a day that seems to be devoted to couples kinda wears on you. But not this year. I'm not sad at all this year really. All day today I've been really happy...and I didn't even get my full eight hours of sleep last night!
I think one thing that I am enjoying about today is just knowing that there are so many couples out there who are so happy to be together and celebrate their love and they get an excuse to have an extra special day. And I'm genuinely excited for them :) And then on the other hand are all my single friends who may or may not be feeling a little down today. But the holiday gives me an excuse to encourage them and remind them that on this day of romance and desire, they should be celebrating God, who loves them and desires them more than anybody else ever could! Sometimes all it takes is just a tiny reminder to completely turn someone's day around.
Maybe I brightened someone's day and maybe I didn't. But either way, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the day and study, study, study! ;)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Adorable Video
One of my friends posted this video on facebook recently and I find it incredibly adorable! This is the kind of love story I find myself hoping I encounter as I ride my bus to school every morning (speaking of which, there was a very cute guy on the bus this morning wearing slacks and a tie. And yes, I smiled at him. And no, we never spoke. Boo).
Another plus of this video: the protagonist is so attractive! I'm definitely a fan :) I hope you liked this video as much as I did!
Another plus of this video: the protagonist is so attractive! I'm definitely a fan :) I hope you liked this video as much as I did!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Thought-Cloud
So you know how sometimes you meet really awesome guys? But at that time, there's no "connection" made for some reason or another? But it's not a big deal; you both move on with your lives. Maybe grow apart or move someplace different or get a job. But then at some point later in life, could be weeks or months or years (for me it tends to be years...), you start thinking about what "could have been."
I do that a lot when I'm supposed to be doing work/studying for grad school. Oh silly me and my methods of distraction!
I actually do stay in contact with these guys somewhat. Honestly, I'm not very good at keeping in touch with anyone, regardless of gender. But I do try to send my friends an encouraging text every once in awhile. And that's what I occasionally do for my guy-friends. Usually in generic mass-text format. Sometimes individually for whatever reason.
But anyways, there have been a couple guys that my mind keeps getting distracted with. Just wondering what they're up to or hoping they're doing well (okay, okay, I hope ALL my friends are doing well!). But I also think about the what-ifs. What if I hadn't have been so stand-offish? What if they had asked me out back then? What if, what if, what if...
I do have reasonable answers to a lot of these and when I really process what I'm thinking about, I absolutely have no regrets about my just-friendships with them. What I guess I find most troubling about these what-ifs is that despite the fact that I am happy with the decisions I made, these thoughts just float around on the surface of my mind. As soon as I focus on them, I see the flaws in their construction. They're just a periphery thought-cloud blanketing the rest of my logical thoughts.
An example of a thought-cloud moment in my brain:
I want to reconstruct my thought-cloud. Honestly, it doesn't need to be about boys (my mom told me I need to stop saying "boys" and start calling them "men" now that I'm 24. I don't know how I feel about this whole being-adult thing). These thoughts that just pop up on the surface don't have to be like this. These are just the thoughts I've managed to program into myself over the years of being single. It happens.
I want my thought-cloud blanket to be made up of more thoughts along these lines:
I do that a lot when I'm supposed to be doing work/studying for grad school. Oh silly me and my methods of distraction!
I actually do stay in contact with these guys somewhat. Honestly, I'm not very good at keeping in touch with anyone, regardless of gender. But I do try to send my friends an encouraging text every once in awhile. And that's what I occasionally do for my guy-friends. Usually in generic mass-text format. Sometimes individually for whatever reason.
But anyways, there have been a couple guys that my mind keeps getting distracted with. Just wondering what they're up to or hoping they're doing well (okay, okay, I hope ALL my friends are doing well!). But I also think about the what-ifs. What if I hadn't have been so stand-offish? What if they had asked me out back then? What if, what if, what if...
I do have reasonable answers to a lot of these and when I really process what I'm thinking about, I absolutely have no regrets about my just-friendships with them. What I guess I find most troubling about these what-ifs is that despite the fact that I am happy with the decisions I made, these thoughts just float around on the surface of my mind. As soon as I focus on them, I see the flaws in their construction. They're just a periphery thought-cloud blanketing the rest of my logical thoughts.
An example of a thought-cloud moment in my brain:
[Various thoughts and interpretations of random notes I've taken throughout class] "I wonder how so-and-so is doing." [More thoughts about how my upcoming test is going to be very difficult considering I didn't start studying until later than my classmates] "I wish I had a boyfriend." [Frantically trying to memorize some random list of grad school-y type things] "We would have made a really great couple. We'd probably still be dating right now." [Even more grad school junk]I think you get the picture...
I want to reconstruct my thought-cloud. Honestly, it doesn't need to be about boys (my mom told me I need to stop saying "boys" and start calling them "men" now that I'm 24. I don't know how I feel about this whole being-adult thing). These thoughts that just pop up on the surface don't have to be like this. These are just the thoughts I've managed to program into myself over the years of being single. It happens.
I want my thought-cloud blanket to be made up of more thoughts along these lines:
[I think you understand the basics of what goes into the brackets...school stuff] "God, thank you for giving me this opportunity to be here." [Since you get it, there's going to be less detail in the bracket-y region of this here dealio] "God, I want all of this to be for you; not me." [More brackets for the sake of brackets] "God, I'm excited to be living the life you've blessed me with." [You didn't think they would have ended yet, right?] "God, I want to do this work for you, because by learning it now, you will use it later." [Last brackets...for now]So yeah. I think that's what I'll be working on for quite awhile. It's probably going to take some time. One thing that I've learned is that bad habits are easy to make and hard to break. And good habits...don't really exist. If it's good and takes repetition, it's not going to be easy. But it will certainly be worthwhile.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Eye-Candy
This week has been a very interesting week as far as eye-candy goes.
I have been seeing attractive men all over the place! I ride public transit to school, and several times this week, I have had very attractive men sit by me. And not just because it was the last place to sit either. It has felt very...intentional. I also noticed a nice-looking fella moving furniture at my apartment complex. He had a very nice smile; I know because we exchanged glances ;)
But this week has been a little different in other aspects as well. I've approached this week with an entirely different attitude than I have had recently. Recently, I have been having a judgmental attitude towards the people around me that I don't even know. Complete strangers, and I'm judging them. Based off of their clothes, their speech, their make-up. Whatever. Who am I to be thinking that I'm "better" than them? Before I started grad school, one of my primary purposes in pursuing a higher education was to help people. And now that I'm getting a higher education, I'm judging and snubbing the people I originally wanted to help. The downcast and needy. What's my problem?!
So, to re-vamp my attitude, God reminded me of a verse. Philippians 2:3. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Yeah, I have definitely been sucking at this one. So I'm doing something about it. I wrote that verse down on a piece of paper and made it look pretty with some colored Sharpies. I made one part of the verse stand out with some extra color: "consider others better than yourselves." And then I taped it onto my front door. So it's the last thing I see before I leave my apartment.
And honestly, my attitude has been changing. I'm enjoying my commute, even though some of the other commuters can make the trip interesting. Because I'm absolutely not better than them. I have no idea what their day is going to be like. But I do know that sometimes to get it started off right, all you need is a smile from a stranger. And I can be that stranger. To a lot of people.
So maybe that's why I've been seeing more attractive men around me. Maybe it's not just that there's more of them, but maybe I'm paying more attention. Or maybe I'm just enjoying the ebb and flow of life happening around me, including all of the beautiful people that I never noticed before because of the judgment I had already passed upon them. But you know, it really doesn't matter the reason. This is a good attitude and I'm looking forward to getting better and better at making it a lifestyle, not just a choice I make as I walk out the door.
I have been seeing attractive men all over the place! I ride public transit to school, and several times this week, I have had very attractive men sit by me. And not just because it was the last place to sit either. It has felt very...intentional. I also noticed a nice-looking fella moving furniture at my apartment complex. He had a very nice smile; I know because we exchanged glances ;)
But this week has been a little different in other aspects as well. I've approached this week with an entirely different attitude than I have had recently. Recently, I have been having a judgmental attitude towards the people around me that I don't even know. Complete strangers, and I'm judging them. Based off of their clothes, their speech, their make-up. Whatever. Who am I to be thinking that I'm "better" than them? Before I started grad school, one of my primary purposes in pursuing a higher education was to help people. And now that I'm getting a higher education, I'm judging and snubbing the people I originally wanted to help. The downcast and needy. What's my problem?!
So, to re-vamp my attitude, God reminded me of a verse. Philippians 2:3. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Yeah, I have definitely been sucking at this one. So I'm doing something about it. I wrote that verse down on a piece of paper and made it look pretty with some colored Sharpies. I made one part of the verse stand out with some extra color: "consider others better than yourselves." And then I taped it onto my front door. So it's the last thing I see before I leave my apartment.
And honestly, my attitude has been changing. I'm enjoying my commute, even though some of the other commuters can make the trip interesting. Because I'm absolutely not better than them. I have no idea what their day is going to be like. But I do know that sometimes to get it started off right, all you need is a smile from a stranger. And I can be that stranger. To a lot of people.
So maybe that's why I've been seeing more attractive men around me. Maybe it's not just that there's more of them, but maybe I'm paying more attention. Or maybe I'm just enjoying the ebb and flow of life happening around me, including all of the beautiful people that I never noticed before because of the judgment I had already passed upon them. But you know, it really doesn't matter the reason. This is a good attitude and I'm looking forward to getting better and better at making it a lifestyle, not just a choice I make as I walk out the door.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Traffic Thought
You know, today I was driving home from one of my many grad school commitments/requirements and there was an accident on the highway I normally take. It closed all the lanes, so I had to take an alternate route home, which normally wouldn't be a problem. Except that I just moved here. I had a general idea of where to go and where I was, but traffic was terrible so even though I was able to get home relatively unscathed, it was an hour-long 10 mile trip through unknown "terrain."
Overall, it was fairly uneventful. Time to think about what to have for dinner, since it was being forced back by at least an hour. But one of the thoughts I had at one of the many red lights I sat at was this: being lost in this big city would be so much more fun if I had a guy sitting in the passenger seat. It just popped into my head. What's funny is that regardless of my relationship status, this particular commitment is one that doesn't facilitate the presence of a significant other. It would actually be frowned upon had I brought one.
Anyways, I think that thought kind of gets to the heart of one of the reasons I eventually want to be in a relationship. I want to go on adventures with the man I love. Even stupid, silly adventures, like getting lost trying to get home. I want to spontaneously end up somewhere I wouldn't think to go or just drive around and look at the lights of an unknown city. But doing that by yourself is lame and boring. (Not joking, that's essentially what I did tonight.)
I get that I'm in a time where I'm basically just waiting. I mean, I'm in grad school, I'm moving locations because of it. It would be stressful to be in a relationship. It would be selfish of me to be in a relationship. At least, right now it would be...for me. Lots of my classmates are in relationships and it's really not too big of a deal for them (obviously, they have the problems of any relationship...I'm just not saying that I would consider them selfish for being in those relationships). I guess I just feel like it would be selfish for me to be in a relationship right now because I wouldn't be able to dedicate as much of myself to the relationship as I would like. Right now school has and needs my attention.
Another reason I think it would be selfish of me is because of how I view relationships. They're not supposed to be give-and-take, but rather give-and-receive. Both parties involved should focus solely on giving of their time, love, etc. And these should be received by the other just as one would receive a gift. Not taking, like a burglar or bratty kid. If I were in a relationship I would feel like the bratty kid. I want to be able to freely give of my time, my love, my emotions. While I'm in school I'm limited. It's a barrier. And I would feel like I was taking, even if my boyfriend completely understood my dilemma.
Someday though. Someday I won't be held captive by this gremlin named Grad School. I'm not saying that I'm going to get a boyfriend as soon as I'm done. And I'm not saying it would be unthinkable to not have one during school (just unlikely). All I know is that at this moment, God has me in a time of waiting. And I'm glad. But I'm also looking forward to the future He has planned for me. I don't know at exactly what point in time a man will enter the picture, but He knows. And I am so glad that He is working on setting me up on a blind date; I don't have to worry about anything. I couldn't imagine trusting my love life to someone I didn't trust completely.
Overall, it was fairly uneventful. Time to think about what to have for dinner, since it was being forced back by at least an hour. But one of the thoughts I had at one of the many red lights I sat at was this: being lost in this big city would be so much more fun if I had a guy sitting in the passenger seat. It just popped into my head. What's funny is that regardless of my relationship status, this particular commitment is one that doesn't facilitate the presence of a significant other. It would actually be frowned upon had I brought one.
Anyways, I think that thought kind of gets to the heart of one of the reasons I eventually want to be in a relationship. I want to go on adventures with the man I love. Even stupid, silly adventures, like getting lost trying to get home. I want to spontaneously end up somewhere I wouldn't think to go or just drive around and look at the lights of an unknown city. But doing that by yourself is lame and boring. (Not joking, that's essentially what I did tonight.)
I get that I'm in a time where I'm basically just waiting. I mean, I'm in grad school, I'm moving locations because of it. It would be stressful to be in a relationship. It would be selfish of me to be in a relationship. At least, right now it would be...for me. Lots of my classmates are in relationships and it's really not too big of a deal for them (obviously, they have the problems of any relationship...I'm just not saying that I would consider them selfish for being in those relationships). I guess I just feel like it would be selfish for me to be in a relationship right now because I wouldn't be able to dedicate as much of myself to the relationship as I would like. Right now school has and needs my attention.
Another reason I think it would be selfish of me is because of how I view relationships. They're not supposed to be give-and-take, but rather give-and-receive. Both parties involved should focus solely on giving of their time, love, etc. And these should be received by the other just as one would receive a gift. Not taking, like a burglar or bratty kid. If I were in a relationship I would feel like the bratty kid. I want to be able to freely give of my time, my love, my emotions. While I'm in school I'm limited. It's a barrier. And I would feel like I was taking, even if my boyfriend completely understood my dilemma.
Someday though. Someday I won't be held captive by this gremlin named Grad School. I'm not saying that I'm going to get a boyfriend as soon as I'm done. And I'm not saying it would be unthinkable to not have one during school (just unlikely). All I know is that at this moment, God has me in a time of waiting. And I'm glad. But I'm also looking forward to the future He has planned for me. I don't know at exactly what point in time a man will enter the picture, but He knows. And I am so glad that He is working on setting me up on a blind date; I don't have to worry about anything. I couldn't imagine trusting my love life to someone I didn't trust completely.
Monday, January 9, 2012
#ShoutOutToTheGirlsThat
One of the current hashtags that is trending on twitter caught my eye and I thought I would share some of my favorites. (Keep in mind that I copied and pasted these tweets straight from twitter... so, no judging on the spelling and grammar errors, please!)
#ShoutOutToTheGirlsThat...
Oh my goodness, it's almost killing me to post these unedited. Ughhhhh. Haha.
#ShoutOutToTheGirlsThat...
- dont smoke, drink or party every weekend. Dont sleep around or start drama to get attention. Yes, we still do exist.
- love to rock their natural hair
- don't NEED a man to be happy, don't use them for their money and, can provide for themselves!!!
- are truly happy for their friends when something good happens, not secretly hoping their happiness ends
- have the discipline and strength to save themselves. and the ones that have learned, and keep themselves. #virtue
- aren't afraid to be themselves.
- strive to be a virtuous woman, not a vixen.
- like being all sweat pants, hair-tied, chillin with no makeup on
- don't need a boyfriend to make them feel complete or pretty.
- Can Be Taken Home To Moms... Y'all Are Still Appreciated.
- aren't in the club every weekend.. You're that "wifey material" every dudes looking for.
- are ambitious and intelligent and have a good future ahead of them.
- actually have standards and don't settle with just anyone because they're lonely and tired of being single.
- still act like ladies to ensure the true gents out there have the opportunity to act like gentlemen.
- have confidence, it's the most attractive thing a girl can have.
Oh my goodness, it's almost killing me to post these unedited. Ughhhhh. Haha.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The Bachelor
I just watched the season premier of Season [whatever] of the The Bachelor tonight. In the past I've kind of joked that being a contestant on the show is one of my "back-up plans" if I don't find a husband the "normal way." You know, meeting a real guy at a bank or coffee shop or in the produce aisle, hit it off and get married. Or however it happens to work. So obviously, I figured if I didn't magically bump into Mr. Right on the bus, I could definitely rely on reality television to give me a "boost" in the dating world. Keep in mind, this is something I simply joke about.
But as I was watching the show, it was painstakingly obvious how going on a show like that is something that would never work for me. Even watching all the fakey intros the girls had when they first approached Ben (the Bachelor) made me realize I wouldn't get past that part. It's just so...rehearsed. And all-around fake. I mean, what kind of couple meets and you have the perfect one-liner combined with a wink or nod or hat? Maybe it's just my personality. Even for some of the more important presentations I have had to give, I normally prepare just an outline and primarily wing the rest. It feels more natural that way.
Moving past the intros, you start to see the girls of the show interact with each other. I think this is the part that, if I were present, I would start to go completely insane. There was crying. In the very first episode. Before anyone was even sent home. Yes, I recognize that reality television loves drama and it will be emphasized. I guess I just find drama to be a waste of time and emotions. And I prefer honesty. Just seems to make life in general go a bit smoother.
Oh, what am I saying? These aren't the main reasons that I wouldn't make it on these types of shows. I'm way too picky. By some peoples' standards; not my own. I once mentioned that I had high standards and my sister retorted that I have impossible standards. But in all honesty, maybe they just seem impossible because our society doesn't try as hard to maintain any morals. And shows like The Bachelor definitely reinforce this kind of society. I wouldn't do well on a show like this because I expect to be with a man who is only dating me. A one-woman man. Apparently, these kind of guys are rare these days. And I certainly expect that he's not going to be smooching and skinny-dipping on the first date or two. Seriously, people? How is this being "picky"?
It's okay to have high expectations for the person you're going to marry. You're going to be with them for a long time; they may as well be a good person who cares for you. Views life in the same fashion as you. I realize that the choices I make in life are not the "popular" choices. When have I ever cared about being popular, though? I used to wear velveteen dresses with matching turtle necks and leggings. I doubt that was ever popular (don't worry, it was in elementary school...I think). Anyways, I know that the majority of people think I'm weird or nutty for choosing to "wait for marriage" and for basically skipping the stage in life when you can "date for fun." But I don't need everyone to like the way I do things. I'm doing things the way I believe God wants me to...the best I can, trusting Him. I mess up, sure. But someday, He's going to bring along that one guy who does like the way I do things. And then we can live life trusting our Lord as best as we can together.
But as I was watching the show, it was painstakingly obvious how going on a show like that is something that would never work for me. Even watching all the fakey intros the girls had when they first approached Ben (the Bachelor) made me realize I wouldn't get past that part. It's just so...rehearsed. And all-around fake. I mean, what kind of couple meets and you have the perfect one-liner combined with a wink or nod or hat? Maybe it's just my personality. Even for some of the more important presentations I have had to give, I normally prepare just an outline and primarily wing the rest. It feels more natural that way.
Moving past the intros, you start to see the girls of the show interact with each other. I think this is the part that, if I were present, I would start to go completely insane. There was crying. In the very first episode. Before anyone was even sent home. Yes, I recognize that reality television loves drama and it will be emphasized. I guess I just find drama to be a waste of time and emotions. And I prefer honesty. Just seems to make life in general go a bit smoother.
Oh, what am I saying? These aren't the main reasons that I wouldn't make it on these types of shows. I'm way too picky. By some peoples' standards; not my own. I once mentioned that I had high standards and my sister retorted that I have impossible standards. But in all honesty, maybe they just seem impossible because our society doesn't try as hard to maintain any morals. And shows like The Bachelor definitely reinforce this kind of society. I wouldn't do well on a show like this because I expect to be with a man who is only dating me. A one-woman man. Apparently, these kind of guys are rare these days. And I certainly expect that he's not going to be smooching and skinny-dipping on the first date or two. Seriously, people? How is this being "picky"?
It's okay to have high expectations for the person you're going to marry. You're going to be with them for a long time; they may as well be a good person who cares for you. Views life in the same fashion as you. I realize that the choices I make in life are not the "popular" choices. When have I ever cared about being popular, though? I used to wear velveteen dresses with matching turtle necks and leggings. I doubt that was ever popular (don't worry, it was in elementary school...I think). Anyways, I know that the majority of people think I'm weird or nutty for choosing to "wait for marriage" and for basically skipping the stage in life when you can "date for fun." But I don't need everyone to like the way I do things. I'm doing things the way I believe God wants me to...the best I can, trusting Him. I mess up, sure. But someday, He's going to bring along that one guy who does like the way I do things. And then we can live life trusting our Lord as best as we can together.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
24 and Single
As of right now, I’m 24. Have been for about a month. It’s interesting to be single at this age. So many of my friends are either married or on their way to it. And there's quite a few who have already started having children. There’s so much pressure from all sorts of people in my life to find someone to be with. Settle down. Or at the very least, be interested in someone. My mom is constantly telling me that I need to open myself up to possibilities. I think she thinks that I’m shutting out every single man (aka possibility) in my life by giving the impression to them that I’m not interested and never will be. But I don’t really think that I’m doing that necessarily. I’m not a “flirty” person by any means, but I don’t think I’m shutting guys out. However, one of the things that may be contributing to my lack of “success” in the dating world is probably that I treat all of my male friends equally. I don’t show preference among them, even if I might be interested in getting to know one in particular on a deeper level. I’ve never really been the kind of person to show preference. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It just might mean that when Mr. Right does come along, he might have to take a little bit of a “risk” when he finally steps up to approach me. I’m okay with that. My family is a bit more hesitant with this approach.
Now why is my family more hesitant with this approach? Probably because they don’t think that I have the “feminine prowess” to lure in a man with just my beauty and amazing personality…and honestly, they are completely right. I’m fine with that. I understand completely that I am an average person with faults and flaws but that’s exactly what makes me unique. Will it be what draws a man to me? Yeah right. But that’s not what I want to draw a man to me either. I want the relationship I have with my future spouse to develop with the help of my favorite matchmaker: God. Let’s be honest, God knows a lot of people and I trust that He knows who to best match me up with. Am I an impatient person? Sure. Do I want to be in a relationship? Yes (and no sometimes…it really depends. Relationships take a lot of time and energy and emotion). Am I going to trust God’s timing with this area in my life even though it’s hard? 100% (and I trust that when this time comes, I will be completely willing to give up my time, energy, and emotions because God will make my relationship more of a priority to me than the things that are currently taking up the majority of those things).
Does this reasoning seem completely crazy to most people? Of course. Because I’m 24 and single. Never really even been in an “official” relationship (I may end up talking about the “unofficial” 4-month one some other time). But hello!?! I’ve never even kissed a guy before (or been kissed by one). Does this make me a freak? Well, by today’s standards…maybe. But I’m fine with that. Because God has perfect timing. And if that means I have to wait a bit longer than most, that’s okay. If I’m being completely honest with myself, being single has quite a few perks. And I’m going to live my life to the fullest, regardless of whether or not I have a partner-in-crime laughing and creating havoc along with me.
Now why is my family more hesitant with this approach? Probably because they don’t think that I have the “feminine prowess” to lure in a man with just my beauty and amazing personality…and honestly, they are completely right. I’m fine with that. I understand completely that I am an average person with faults and flaws but that’s exactly what makes me unique. Will it be what draws a man to me? Yeah right. But that’s not what I want to draw a man to me either. I want the relationship I have with my future spouse to develop with the help of my favorite matchmaker: God. Let’s be honest, God knows a lot of people and I trust that He knows who to best match me up with. Am I an impatient person? Sure. Do I want to be in a relationship? Yes (and no sometimes…it really depends. Relationships take a lot of time and energy and emotion). Am I going to trust God’s timing with this area in my life even though it’s hard? 100% (and I trust that when this time comes, I will be completely willing to give up my time, energy, and emotions because God will make my relationship more of a priority to me than the things that are currently taking up the majority of those things).
Does this reasoning seem completely crazy to most people? Of course. Because I’m 24 and single. Never really even been in an “official” relationship (I may end up talking about the “unofficial” 4-month one some other time). But hello!?! I’ve never even kissed a guy before (or been kissed by one). Does this make me a freak? Well, by today’s standards…maybe. But I’m fine with that. Because God has perfect timing. And if that means I have to wait a bit longer than most, that’s okay. If I’m being completely honest with myself, being single has quite a few perks. And I’m going to live my life to the fullest, regardless of whether or not I have a partner-in-crime laughing and creating havoc along with me.
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